RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel – Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Poor Me"

You are so beautiful. You are so wonderful. You are a great mother and wife. You deserve so much better. He doesn't deserve you. There is someone so much better for you out there. You, You, You….

That is what I was told over and over again. And, I started repeating it over and over, all the time. When someone, anyone tried to tell me any different, like “Hey marriage is hard, people make mistakes, you have to work on it” anything, I would quickly bombard them with a huge pity party sharing all he has done. I was the innocent victim of this horrible behavior. Then they would say no more. I mean who really could? It would devastate anyone right?

Well until the day came. My day, my appointed time as I call it. The day I decided to open the book I was so graciously given. I didn’t know what to expect, but I just knew something had to change. The last thing I thought was just how much change was about to start happening in ME. The first couple of pages was so encouraging like God was speaking directly to me and giving me that spark of hope. I was excited about how He was going to change my SITUATION, and my HUSBAND, and that finally, I would have the MARRIAGE of my dreams.

Until the pages continued and I realized this journey I was about to start was all about ME. I thought, “wait, WHAT?” I AM good, kind, and loving. I mean I took his daughter in like my own giving him a family. I am what all others see as a perfect woman. This book started confronting me and I started questioning every part of my life. How could it be? I remember God starting to chisel little by little into my heart until finally, I understood. All He wanted was ME, all of ME. Was I willing to surrender all I was? All I ever knew? How I was raised, and how I thought a woman should be. Was I ready to finally give Him the opportunity to show ME who I am and who He wanted me to be, beautifully created by Him?

The beauty in all this is that as many times as I wanted to throw the book out the window, as it started to reveal all MY faults and errors, God in a loving voice would just guide me to keep reading. As I continued to read, each page allowed me to grow so much closer to God. I started feeling His true and only purpose in all this, to open my eyes to the truth of how I was living my life, good and bad. HE wanted to teach me His way, and His will and heal me so that I can live FREE in Him.

Until this time, my focus and blame all fell on Marco and never on me. Now, I knew this was my time between ME and God. I submerged myself in His word, His truth, and most importantly His love. He took me back to my past as a child, adolescent, and young adult, peeling layers and layers of past hurts and mistakes. He brought to mind things I never wanted to remember. Things I had buried too deep that I had forgotten, or at least that was my intention to do.

I thought “WHY? Why bring all this pain, betrayal, and hurt up again, why?’ As each incident and memory came to mind I knew I needed this as much as I wanted it to stop. I needed to trust Him. Each hurt that surfaced He was ready to comfort and heal me. Most important showing me to forgive. Forgive those who hurt me, and forgive myself. It was His will to bring all this YUK up to the light so that with Him, I could be freed and cleansed. Although it was so difficult, it was worth it. I felt light. I was healed from my past. I had a new start and it was great.

I came to the realization that my life and every area were standing on sinking sand and I wanted to be solid ground, God’s solid ROCK! The guilt of my past was gone and now it was time to work on the present. My situation with my marriage and family. My heart broke as I thought of how much destruction I had created. YES, me. I quickly learned that my crisis wasn’t marital but spiritual. I was FAR from God and what He called me to be. I was determined to rebuild my life on His word, my guide, which is the ROCK my life so desperately needed. I learned that nothing this world offered worked and by learning His word I was getting to know God, who He is, and all about His love. I started to fall in love with Him. I had for far too long put too much in front of Him. My heart was finally turning back to Him, My first true LOVE!

if they pray to me and repent and turn away from the evil they have been doing, then I will hear them in heaven, forgive their sins, and make their land prosperous again. 2 Chronicles 7:14 GNT

To read Lota's complete Novel, go to:
RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel

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