This living lesson He led me to call Seeing Shadows, I confess, was one of the most exciting I’ve had the pleasure of writing. The reason is I just think so many of us need to hear the truth about it. I will begin by laying out the key foundational principle that you may or may not have heard our ministry use, even though it’s been used quite a bit.

It goes back to years and years ago when I started welcoming several daughters-in-law and a couple of sons-in-law into the family. With all my heart, I wanted to love them as my own children. This became important to me after having experienced in-laws who clearly preferred someone else. So, it was vital to be sure they could feel my love and acceptance.

Yet, because they're not my children and I don't know them as well, not raising them as babies, I was not familiar with the different experiences that made them who they are. All of us, and I mean all of us, have many things that have happened in our lives that make us the way that we are. The way we act and, more importantly, sometimes, the way we react. These actions and reactions are often based on something that has happened in our lives when we were younger. We all go through things, and because of that, we may not act, react, or do things in a way that pleases everyone.

That’s exactly why I was excited to introduce this wonderful principle, this lesson, to you so you can begin to live it! This principle really materialized when I asked my Husband one day, “How can I love this person the way that I want to, and how would You want me to love them?” That’s when He brought me to a scripture that is actually intended and written in the Bible for husbands about loving their wives.

“You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker since she is a woman.”¹ It goes on to say, “and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered.”¹ 

That’s when I understood that since God says women are weaker vessels, then shouldn't we all want to love other people, especially other women, in an understanding way? 

Even though it's not written, I believe that God is speaking to all believers, encouraging us to treat everyone who is weaker (spiritually or emotionally, not only physically) and to live and work with them in an “understanding” way.

“Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity. Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility, put others first and view others as more important than yourselves. Abandon every display of selfishness. Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests.”²

That's what we do in our ministry. We work with everyone in an understanding way, concerned about others over our interests—especially since 99% of those who work for RMI are women. We want to honor each of them. We know that God says women are worthy of honor when they are His bride. Whether our prayers are hindered or not is not the point, is it?

That’s why I’m fairly confident in saying that when we're treating anyone with kindness, God looks favorably on us. But let's move on to the part about “understanding.”  The only way to understand someone is to know them and to know them means knowing a bit about their past.  However, asking the person or trying to get them to share their past is not what I’d recommend. Instead, I encourage everyone to speak to their Husband, their Maker, their Creator, who knows that other person through and through. Even hidden things He knows about us that we, ourselves, God says we are clueless about. “Search me, God, and know my heart; Put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way."³

So, you see, He actually knows everything even more than they know about themselves. Yet, what’s even more beautiful is He'll tell you just what you need to know in order to treat them in an understanding way. He’ll also give you empathy, kindness, and love for that person. 

So I began “living” this wonderful “understanding way” lesson with one of my children who married into our family, who I absolutely love dearly, but there was one thing that made me pull back a little bit.

Yet, once my Husband explained and reminded me of something that I actually knew about her past, wow, it totally changed everything! I instantly felt this overwhelming compassion and kindness and love that I didn’t have for her before He reminded me. And so I ultimately ended up sharing it with one of my daughters, who told me she tried to avoid her during family gatherings. Yet, knowing the truth, she, too, became really close to her. After that, He led me to share it with another daughter-in-law after she shared about a prickly encounter, and then another so that they each understood, and they, too, began to really love and appreciate this person.

Now, I want to share something interesting to back up my claim about not making this living lesson principle just for how husbands should treat their wives. When He led me to look up in Greek, the original language, the word “wife” or “wives” is actually γυναικείῳ meaning feminine, weaker; pertaining to women, female, which then means it does not only apply to wives but to women as a whole. And I also believe any weaker person, like a child. 

So often, I witness mothers who are clearly upset with their child, yet if they weren’t frazzled, most would have compassion on the child because most could easily tell the child was tired or they were hungry or they'd been fed too much sugar. Unfortunately, some mothers fail to treat their children with an ounce of understanding —treating them the way we all want to be treated—not just by a husband but by our friends, our coworkers, maybe neighbors, and especially our family members: mother, father, sisters, brothers.

“And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise.”⁴ 

Personally, I believe that much of what the Lord does for us as our Husbands is also what He wants us, as His brides, to do and be toward others: treating others in an “understanding way,” especially those who are weaker.

While reading this passage from the Bible, have you ever wondered why He begins with “likewise” or “in the same way”? “You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way” and “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.”¹

The answer is found in the prior chapter, when our compassionate Savior explains that He lived on earth as an example for us to be like Him—representing Him—certainly those who claim to be followers, Christians, not only His brides should follow His example, right? “For you have been called for this purpose, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you would follow in His steps.”⁵

So, as I said before, I shared all this recently with a family member who I discovered was having the same issues when she was faced with dealing with this particular family member. But it all changed when I shared a bit of her upbringing and the issues she’d had, and she still had, with her own mother. Understanding what made her act and react, what made her more “prickly” helped us all to understand she wasn’t singling us out to make our lives difficult, instead, her life had been difficult and this is how she dealt with everyone.

We can relate to this, right? Each time this family member’s name came up, or a situation came up, knowing the truth, all of the prior bitterness and harshness and unkindness, or even times when a remark would be cutting, we understood they’d been hurt, so this unpleasant cycle just went on and on. What I wanted more than anything was not just to be a peacemaker that God chose for my role in my family while growing up. But I didn't want this particular family member to go through any more pain. 

Before I share another example of living with someone in an understanding way, I’d like to update you on how God has changed this individual so that she is no longer prickly or confrontational. Was it His love acted out by the believers in our family or something else? Only God knows. Personally, I believe it was God using her to change us. Now, let me share another example.

My younger sister began suffering from several health issues, and that’s when He brought her back into my life so that I could minister to her. For her body to heal, she needed healing in her heart. Think about it: if you're not “at ease,” you're diseased. And she just did not need that anymore. 

Each time we spoke, she would inevitably mention something one of our older sisters had done to her. Yet, each time I told her, “Just forgive her,” she assured me that she had forgiven her. So why did the same offense come up every time we spoke?

My younger sister would emphatically say, “I have forgiven her!!!” eventually crying to convince me, and I truly sensed it was sincere. It wasn't put on. Yes, she’s forgiven, but there was still something that was just missing. So, as I always do, I went to my Husband and asked, “What can I say to help her understand? Why is it that she forgives, but this same story is repeated, leaving her with so much bitterness?”

Well, my younger sister, whom I've been ministering to and enjoying very much, her coming to know the Lord as her Husband. My younger sister, who loves listening to love songs and also sending me love songs with such romantic lyrics—who just yesterday told me she spent an entire hour just having this wonderful time with the Lord—saying she felt like she was wrapped in His blanket and comforter of love, something that she's never experienced before and it happened on the eve of her having surgery, which happens today.

What He showed me is that there is this shadow over our older sister— all due to one individual who has repeatedly and horribly hurt her, so much so that she doesn't act appropriately towards others. And though it's not intentional in any way, everyone takes offense. So this is what I heard from my Husband and what I shared with my younger sister when she needed it to come through this dangerous surgery.  And, after He told me, He made me laugh again because He used my younger sister's dog, which I didn't know until just days before this revelation that her older dog is actually blind in one eye.

My younger sister who is facing surgery told me that when she takes her dog out to the dog park, sometimes she jumps at and lunges out at other dogs in defense because she's blind in one eye, her dog sees shadows and those shadows are what frightens her.  My husband said, “This family member she’s been dealing with has been blinded from years of pain and suffering that she's had to go through. 

Our older sister has constantly been seeing shadows, and when they frighten her, she lunges out and attacks or barks at her attacker. My younger sister knows that her dog doesn't mean to be aggressive, but neither does our older sister mean anything by how she often acts or reacts—and I think that goes for a lot of those people in our lives.

Many people who attack us or others might also be blinded by pain or suffering. But, the only way we're going to know what they're suffering and what they've been through is to go to your Husband or Father or Friend who knows each of us and ask! Ask Him to help you love this person, “Please help me see this person as You do. Help me understand what they've been through and why they are the way they are. Help me to love them in an understanding way.”

Then, with that understanding, you'll be able to love them beautifully. It's not until we love them with the love He's given us that they have a hope of being healed and having a happy life, and that's what we want for everyone, right? That’s why it’s up to us to ask Him and remember that they very well may be seeing shadows.

They may lunge out, they may attack, or bark, but when we love them in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, whether they're a woman or they're just weaker in age, weaker spiritually, even if it’s because they've made a shipwreck of their morals. Each time we ask, He will open our eyes so we are no longer blind to their pain and can start to love them in the way He loves us.

“. . . You should rather forgive and comfort him, lest somehow such a one be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him”⁶.  “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”⁷

So, ladies, I hope this helps you with all the prickly or even vicious people in your life or people you meet and may one day encounter. Thank you for listening.