RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel – Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Picture-Perfect Family"

Years into our marriage had passed and trials were constant. I always had a feeling Marco was fooling around, but all the good times in between and the idea of us as a family always surpassed the hurt. I tried everything I thought of to try and make our relationship better. Of course, my first turn was to prayer which really never ended. I cried a lot and felt like my life was just this BIG mistake and I had ruined it. Then I thought what we needed was to go to counseling. They are professionals so they MUST know the answers to make our marriage right. After that, I reached out to a friend that dealt with spiritism and thought if she can give me insight into the present and future, I was sure I could fix things. At one point, I went as low as to hire a private investigator. I thought if I could get hard proof of Marcel’s infidelity then he would realize that I wasn’t just acting crazy or suspicious and he would surely stop. My last resort was trying to become a woman I thought Marcel wanted, I mean why else would he be looking for someone else, I must be lacking something, so I became the wild wife. I am not pleased reflecting on my past and what I attempted to do, but I learned that NOTHING worked. I was living a neverending cycle that wasn’t breaking.

It was just before my college graduation. I was about to acquire my bachelor's degree in elementary education and was so happy with what I had accomplished. Things were bad again with Marcel and I felt like we were riding a roller coaster full of ups and downs. I had enough. I said to myself, “I have cried my last tear and I am ready to move on.” That summer after graduation I left on a trip to visit family in another state. Marcel wanted to reconcile but my heart was stone and I felt nothing for him. The love had left and I was looking forward to my new future. I had enough of fights and trust issues. I was ready to conquer the world on my own.

I left for about a month and during that time Marco met a friend at the gym who invited him to go to church. He was searching for help at the time so he accepted. When I returned he was transforming and I thought “is this fake?” He wanted me to join but I refused. I was furious saying to myself, “oh now you want to go to church?” When he never showed any interest in the past when I brought it up. He was going to church often and there was a special service for marriages that met weekly and he always asked me to go. Finally, I just gave in and said “OK, I will go.” I remember sitting in church and as soon as it started I got up and RAN OUT. I can’t explain it, but it was just too much for me. I felt so overwhelmed and said, “What just happened?” Little did I know that spiritual warfare had just started for me.

Days later the leader’s wife, Maria, from the marriage ministry called me. I was sitting on my stairs and after a short “small talk” conversation she starts crying saying how she feels all the pain I am going through. I quickly tried to calm her down and assured her that I was fine, very calm, and complete. In other words, I was GOOD. She asked me to give the service at church another chance and if I would come again. She won me with kindness, so I agreed.

I really didn’t want to go, for at that time I had met someone else and was in a relationship. WHY NOT? I was clear with Marco that our relationship was over and besides, he had done it to me several times. It was what it was!

I started joining Marco at church as I promised Maria. This time I felt something different, but it felt familiar at the same time. I felt like what I had experienced at 17. I started feeling JOY again. I was eager to listen to the message and wanted all they were sharing about marriage in my life. But not with Marco, it would be with the new person God had for me.

There was a marriage retreat coming up to go away for the weekend. I agreed to attend. That weekend was incredible and my heart was changing. I was willing to give “us” a try but I had conditions and it was a long list. It included that we had to go to church every Sunday, at the least, and we had to read the bible. I wanted no part in a relationship with Marco if these conditions were not going to be met, and I made this very clear to him.

I went full force in my walk with God, church, and the bible. The kids also enjoyed attending church and they had a wonderful program for them as well. We started the baptism classes together, but Marcel stopped going so I completed them alone and got baptized. What I noticed is the more I moved forward, the more I saw Marco retract. He became distant and started his old ways again. At this point, it didn’t matter anymore. I had found something new and wonderful with God and this time, I was not going to give it up, not for Marco or anyone!

I remember going to a restaurant with Marco and a conversation started about our situation. Very clearly I said, “if you think you are going to be with other women and I am going to stick around, you are very mistaken.” I felt like for the first time we were both in agreement that maybe it would be best to part ways. So we did what any other couple would have done. We hired and “Christian” lawyer to handle our divorce. We were amicable, and calm and wanted things to go smoothly for us and the kids. We agreed not to tell anyone until things were final.

At the time we continued to go to church as a family and on the outside, all looked picture-perfect. We were both doing a great job of fooling everyone. The church was hosting for the first time a Family Retreat weekend getaway. I hesitated, but we agreed that it would be for the kids, so we signed up. Come to find out Jr was a couple of months short of the required age group. “Well I guess we can’t go”, I said, but Marco had a way with words. He took the coordinator aside, and before we knew it he was back giving us the ok to all attend. I say, looking back now, GOD had plans and He wanted us there. It was an experience I will never forget.

We arrived Friday evening and we all slept in different cabins. Perfectly separated with one for the girls, one for the boys, one for the men, and one for the women. It was like being in summer camp all over again. We had activities separately and together. Saturday night we had a service together in the main hall. We sat as a family listening to the message, when it was about to finish, they asked if anyone wanted prayer to come up. Natalie jumps up, goes to the alter, and falls on her knees. I glance at her and realize she was crying. I quickly got up and went to comfort and hold her from behind. It always breaks my heart to see any of my children cry and I wanted to do whatever I could to help her. In a faint voice, I hear her say, “I don’t want you to leave me.” Oh how that pierced my heart and I could not contain myself and I started sobbing. In my mind, all these thoughts come about how I had met her at only 1 ½, and by 3 she was living full-time with Marco, being ripped away from the life (whatever it was good or bad) she had with her biological mom. She had been through so much, full of instability. By 4 we were married, hoping that would bring her some type of normality, but I know she saw so much she should have never seen, and she heard so much she should have never heard, would her heart ever heal??? She lived with the uncertainty of the unknown of where her place was in this family, in this life, in this big world at only 9 years old. We had told no one about the divorce, but she knew, how? I don’t know, but in like so many other things, she heard, she saw and she knew. Oh how I wish I could turn back time and make all things right, but life doesn’t work that way, only GOD could do this for her now, but I did what I did at that moment just for her.

She WAS MY daughter and I held her so tight and said, “I would never leave you.” I kissed her head, got up, and went to another corner of the room. I fell to my knees and just cried. I was exhausted! I cried out to God, opened my heart, and said, “God, You know what I have been through and what I am going through now. You know what I want in a man, in a marriage, in a family. I cannot do this, I simply can’t. But, if you want me to stay with Marco, You have to do something, because I just can’t.”

At that moment Marco came to me and tried to console me putting his hands on my shoulders but I quickly pushed him away. I was so angry, I just wanted to scream. I was angry with him because of his constant betrayals and inability to be faithful. I was angry with myself, why could I not be good enough for him so that he wouldn’t have the need to look elsewhere? Why could I not hold this marriage together, this family together? I was so frustrated and confused as to why this all had to happen, I mean no one goes into a marriage wanting it to fail, but that is exactly how I felt. A complete failure! How could this happen to me?

I finally got up and sat by myself in the farthest row away from everyone. A woman came and sat next to me, she said softly, “I know what you are going through.” I turned my head slowly to her, with a very stern look, and said, “You have NO IDEA what I am going through.” I turned my head back towards the front. She said nothing, got up, and calmly walked away. At that moment the Holy Spirit nudged me and I felt it. I was very rude to her, so I went to her and apologized, then I felt led to give her my number. Her name was Rosa and she was so sweet. We didn’t speak for the rest of the weekend and went home.

During the week after, I got a phone call from her. She said that she prays with a friend over the phone for their marriages and she had a book she wanted to give to me. We agreed to meet at a restaurant. As we sat down, and before I even gave her a chance to speak, I said, “so, you said you knew what I was going through? Well, let me tell you ALL of it.” At the moment I spilled the beans as we say it. I wanted to justify all my actions so, like any normal person, she would have to agree that a divorce is exactly what I should be doing. She was so patient, didn’t say much at all, but just listened. We were together for almost 5 hours, poor waiter, he just kept looking at us, hoping we would leave. She didn’t give her opinion or any advice, she simply gave me the book and asked me to join her in the call that evening. I agreed and we said our goodbyes.

That night I joined the call for prayers. I had never experienced anything like it. I was amazed and thought how great would it be to learn how to pray like them. It wasn’t repetition or empty, it was sharing their hearts with God with love and passion. I loved it. After hanging up, I grabbed the book and sat on my stairs. I closed my eyes and prayed, “God, I have listened to everyone’s advice about what to do. I have tried everything I could possibly think of with no success. Today, I want to hear what You have to say. Open my heart as I read this book and speak to ME. What are You trying to show me? I am surrendering to You and want to hear all that You are telling me. My focus is on YOU!”

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RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel

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