Adina’s RJN-Chapter 6 “Deeply Entrenched in What the World Teaches”

After my mother passed away, I moved to the city to get away from Kevin, and went through the stage where I looked for help from psychiatrists and eventually decided that I would not follow in my mother’s footsteps by dealing with all my hurt through medication. I slowly got to a place where I made peace with everything that happened in my childhood, sadly, however,  it was more me doing it in the flesh than seeking healing from the Lord. Although I read my Bible and prayed, I did not think of Him as my Healer because it always felt like there was a wall up between the Lord and me. In my mind, I had to be strong enough to deal with everything and get over the hurt and pain myself. I knew praying and believing would help, but most of my healing had to come from within myself, or so I thought. And for the most part, I felt I succeeded in this. Looking back, I can only see how deceived I was. 

My dad’s health rapidly deteriorated after my mother passed away, he had back problems and was on strong painkillers, and on top of that, he tried to kill his heartache with alcohol. He started to drink again every day, throughout the day, so much so that he lost touch with reality. During this time, I tried to visit my dad and my brother (who stayed with him to look after him). Later, we made the decision to put him in a fragile care unit because my brother was working all day and couldn’t take care of him. It was something I felt guilty about for a long time, but because I “had” to work and stayed, living far away from him, I couldn’t take care of him. I told myself visiting as much as possible was enough.

I accepted the situation I was in, living alone far away from my family and friends, I started to enjoy my work and just made “peace” with my situation. At the same time, I still visited John every other weekend after I got over Kevin completely and didn’t think about him anymore. John just told me Kevin also resigned and moved to another town after the wedding. But it didn’t bother me, we had no contact so I moved on. One weekend while I was visiting John, we went to look at a new complex in that town, and I decided to buy a townhouse to rent out and to have a place should I one day decide to move back. Deep down, I wanted to move back to that town.

The desire to move back grew stronger and stronger so I started to look for a job closer to that town. I quickly found one and the day they finished building the townhouse, I moved in. It meant I was closer to my dad and could visit him every second weekend, and I was able to visit John more often and party like before. But deep down my desire to get closer to the Lord grew. I started to also help my friend, Amanda, in her salon because I took parttime beauty courses and a personal trainer course while I was staying all alone in the city. Not long after I moved, the company I worked for started to suffer financial losses, which meant I was let go because I was last in. But I already had a good client base at Amanda’s salon and also had personal training clients, and because I really enjoyed this new direction my life took, I decided to stick to it and see where it led.

One weekend while I was visiting John, he told me that he saw Kevin at mutual friends and they spoke a bit. Apparently things weren’t going well with Kevin’s marriage. I just listened, but it hadn’t make any impression on me, since I moved on. 

A couple of months later, John and I got into a car accident; a guy skipped a four-way stop and crashed into the side of John’s car. His car was wrecked, but miraculously neither of us got hurt, although we were taken to hospital to be examined. The next day there was a knock on my door, when I opened the door it was Kevin. He told me he’d heard about the accident and just wanted to check up on me, then he said he was never able to forget me. I was a bit shocked and didn’t say anything. After about 15 minuntes he left, and I didn’t see or talk to him again for a couple of months.

At that stage, my life consisted of working at the salon and the gym. I trained to compete in a fitness competition and partying with John over weekends. As I mentioned in a previous chapter, John was gay. Yes, that was my life at that stage, I did not have a boyfriend and just lived my life. In my mind, I was a Christian so I accepted John and what he was. I did struggle with it for a long time, but came to accept it, although I knew it was wrong. Deep inside I had the desire to get closer to the Lord, but I was so deeply entrenched in the ways of the world. Although I hated alcohol due to my childhood, I would drink over weekends when we partied, and drink a lot. But praise the Lord, it never became a daily habit or something I would use to help me cope. 

One of my regular nail clients always spoke to me about the Lord; most of my clients were Christian ladies who shared their faith easily. It wasn’t strange that everybody in the salon would talk about the Lord. There was one elderly lady in particular who I loved listening to; she was also the one who many years later confirmed what I thought I heard the Lord share with me when my marriage crisis hit. Spending this much time with ladies sharing their faith so easily and openly, rubbed off on me and it increased my desire for the Lord, but I couldn’t completely cut the worldly ways. I was always pulled back. And the fact that it always felt like my prayers bounced off the ceiling, didn’t help either.

One Friday afternoon, while I was busy working on a clients nails, Kevin came into the salon. He was also friends with Amanda and somehow knew I was working there. He just came there to see me, and although he was talking to Amanda, he was staring at me the whole time. He wasn’t there for very long before he left. Again I didn’t see or talk to him for a long time, and it honestly didn’t phase me at all. 

The next time I saw Kevin was at a party at John’s place, he came to talk to me and told me he already filed for divorce; he was just waiting for the court date that was already set. He said he really tried, they even went away on a cruise to try and work on their relationship, but nothing worked. They did not have children and that is why they decided to simply end it. He again told me he was never able to forget me and that he always loved me. 

Just writing this makes me realize how deeply entrenched I was in what the world teaches. I thought divorce was okay, it is something that happens sometimes, I had no idea what the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage and nobody said anything because almost everybody believes it’s okay, it's sometimes needed or necessary.  And after his divorce we became seriously involved, and all the old feelings came back.