Chapter 3 “The Love of My Life”

When I hosted the luncheon at my home for restoring marriages (and each time I have had the pleasure of ministering to members of my church), I have seen that there are very few who really have the kind of relationship with the Lord that I am experiencing now. When women who I would consider very spiritual talk about their husbands or former husbands, they would often be on the verge of tears, because of their longing for him, or if they were talking about their marriage restoration, they would be almost giddy with the thought. This showed me that their heart was not for the Lord, but was very much still for their husband or FH (former husband).

God also sees your heart as you long for someone other than His Son, and it has to grieve Him even more than it grieves me. I want so much to get this across to every woman in the world—oh, precious one; there is NO REASON for you to hurt, not ever. There is no reason for you to long for a man who is longing for the world and the things of this world. You have a special Someone who will cherish and love you, and give you every desire of your heart and if you have enough of Him, you will never experience that pain of rejection or longing again.

The One I am speaking about is right now on bended knee with a proposal on His lips! He does not want you to be His wife, He longs for you to be His Bride—forever!! A bride and a wife are two very different things. A bride is cherished, is new, and is someone very much in love! A wife is more of a helpmeet and a “completer.” When we are married, we are told to complete and help our husbands. The Bible tells us that, and you have learned that as well in A Wise Woman—but God wants something more for you. He longs for you to be the LORD’s Bride.

Recently, I was able to explain about this kind of love with my FH when he, once again, asked me about marrying him. Our divorce has been final for not even two months, but this conversation has crept up so often and I confess it makes me sad because I know he simply can’t understand what’s happened to me. What I am not at liberty to explain is that though I am to be agreeable, the Lord told me there is a reason why I cannot marry again, which I believe is because I now belong to Him (at least for this season in my life).

During these intense conversations, my FH has continued pressuring me to help him to be happy again, to take him back, to forgive him. I told him that of course, I forgive him, and I am delighted that we are good friends, but even though he SAYS he loves me, it is not real love. I told him that the love he has is selfish, not because he is necessarily selfish, because we all are. That each of us only cares what makes us happy, not what would make others happy.

My FH wants me to give up my happiness that I now have with the Lord in order to make him happy and that’s what he calls love. But that is not real love, not the kind that I get from the Lord, nor what he could experience with the Lord if given the opportunity. The kind of love I have now is what I was able to give to my FH during all the recent divorce proceedings.

The love that I gave him (because I had received it from the Lord) was not selfish, but simply giving unselfishly. It enabled me to “cheerfully” give him the divorce that he wanted (for God loves a cheerful giver) because He gives to us in this way. It enabled me to let go of my husband because he said he wanted another woman. And in the area of our finances, because He gave to me, I was able to enthusiastically take our entire family’s debt (that was hundreds of thousands that had been hidden from me) that I had no idea how I could ever pay, but I simply trusted that He would certainly give me what I needed.

The love that the Lord gives me enabled me to willingly take the responsibility of our five children who all still live at home, give him joint custody so he can take them whenever he wants, and sign divorce papers that will require me to discuss with him any decision that will affect them (and without a doubt most of the decisions I make will affect our children).

This kind of love goes beyond what is asked and then gives more than what is asked for. It means giving my children to the other woman (time and friendship with her) and encouraging this relationship because that was what my FH wanted me to do. And this list of wants increases daily.

Once again, just this week, my FH told me that he is now so destitute that he has no idea what he is going to do. He said that he would be willing to home-school our children for me, and be a “house-husband” cooking meals and keeping the house clean if only I’d take him back. Unfortunately, I assured him that I could not have the kind of marriage he proposed but thanked him for being so kind and humble.

When my FH told me how much he still loved me and begged me to forgive him so we could remarry, I told him that I most certainly forgave him for everything and that there was nothing he did or would do that would change my favorable feelings for him. However, he did not love me with the kind of love that I am getting now and that he could only find in the One who loved him as much as He loved me. And the love he said he had for me was a selfish love that every human possesses. And explained that the love he now is feeling from me, and was able to express towards him since he first said that he wanted a divorce and to leave me, is the kind of love that only the Lord can give.

I told him that when he wanted a divorce because he said it would make him happy, I cheerfully gave it to him. When he wanted me to take over all the debt and responsibility of caring for the children, I gave it gladly to him. When he told me that the *AW was the one who made him happy, I gave him to her and helped him have a better relationship with her. Then when he wanted to create a good relationship between my children and the AW who would be their stepmom, I encouraged it and did what I could to help them to like her.

*AW: During my first Restoration Journey I referred to the other woman using OW, which interestingly also means “ouch” because knowing about her hurt so much. This time, however, it didn’t hurt at all, due to how I was well surrounded in His love. So instead I simply referred to her as just “another woman” hence me using AW instead.

I told him that this is the way that God has loved me. That He gave me all that I wanted and needed, withholding nothing. And it was because I had His kind of love flowing through me, that I was able to give that unselfish and giving love to him.

The selfish love that humans possess leads them to want their own happiness and not care about someone else’s happiness, which is what he doesn’t understand he’s still doing by pressuring me to give up what I now have in my life. What I have now is pure joy and happiness from being with the Lord—He is all I want and all I need, and I told my FH that.

My FH was very quiet and very somber when I finished speaking. Then he apologized for wanting to again get the life that he wanted at the expense of taking mine, and he said that he understood what I was saying. I am not sure if he really understood, but his tone changed after we spoke. My hope is that this prompts him to really want what I have: a relationship with the Lord that will change him from the inside and nothing will shake it.

The truth is my FH thought that leaving me and being with his high school sweetheart would make him happy. And because I withheld nothing, but willingly gave everything (the way the Lord is giving me everything), he instantly gained what he thought he wanted and found that once again, he came up short. He is even more miserable and now he has turned back on the other woman. Now he wants me again once he saw my sheer joy in the midst of everything he put me through, and the blessings I am now experiencing on my life.

It’s because I know I am not what he needs, any more than the other woman is. Like him, all men need Jesus just as much as all women do, but instead they look to women, sports, money, fame, etc., all of which leave a man feeling empty, just as empty as the women who look to their husbands (or just men in general) and all the things of this world to make them happy!

The Lord is showing me that whether married or not, EVERY woman needs to be yearning and longing for Him. This is the message that I keep sharing with my daughters and the young women whom I minister to in my church. I hope to plant a seed and the desire to gain this very special and lifelong intimacy with the Lord now so that they will not turn their eyes and hearts toward their husbands (to fulfill their needs and desires), but to share each “secret of their hearts” with the Lord not only now, but forever.

When they are faithful to the Lord and keep running after Him only, they will glow with the radiance of a new bride all their married lives! And that as long as they pursue the Lord, and not their husbands, their husbands will pursue them (but never overtaking them) for their hearts will be fixed on Jesus! And that if they turn their hearts toward their husbands, that their husbands will assuredly turn their hearts back to pursuing other things (the world, an OW, hobbies, outside friendships or work).

This is my message to all women, young and old, and the message that I will spend the rest of my life sharing with everyone who will listen! My God will supply all of our needs! And one of our greatest needs as a woman is to have intimacy with someone who will love us unselfishly and that person is Jesus, our Heavenly Husband.

So what will happen with all the men of the world if the women begin to have this kind of relationship with the One who created us? I believe that it will certainly get their attention! I believe that once women STOP pursuing men, men will become uneasy. I believe that the world, and the other things that they are pursuing, will no longer have the same thrill that it once had.

I also believe that once our precious Beloved knows that He has our hearts that He will happily begin turning the hearts of our men back to us, and they will be in hot pursuit of us! I have seen this happen in my own life, and in the lives of the ladies in our church who are beginning to grasp this powerful concept and to walk it out in their own lives!!

And as we walk it out, we will be radiant with a heavenly glow because all the fear and pain will be removed from our faces, and we will radiate with the love of the Lord!! This will draw all women to love the Lord as we do, and then turn the men, who will want their women back, toward God and a relationship with His Son!

Yet, even if they want us, they should never get us (at least they will not get me!). Every love song that I hear now, I sing to the Lord (and I sing it out loud when I am in the car alone!). I love to speak sweet nothings each time I think of Him, all day long, especially when I am getting ready for bed, when I slip into bed, and when I wake up in the morning.

I can’t wait to get my morning coffee so that I can go to a quiet place alone with Him and share my coffee while I listen to my Beloved speaking to me each morning. Then I sit down to write to my closest friends through emails to tell them how wonderful my Lover is (just like I am doing now with you)! My life is to be envied, even though in our world I have lost just about everything. My hope in writing this book is to create an overpowering yearning and longing in each of your hearts to have the same thing!

I’d love to know that you are having a similar conversation with Him all day long, everyday, because you finally realize He is right there next to you. Rather than thinking of things you need to do, you instead ask Him to take care of everything because He IS your Husband! And guess what? He will! I am still learning all this relationship has to offer— because after all, I am a new bride.

When I was ministering to a single (never been married) young lady just the other day, I explained that with this kind of “love affair” with the Lord going on in a marriage (which needs to be developed before marriage), no women would ever have to suffer!

Imagine it, if you will, as a huge banquet of food set before you Are you going to go hungry if the peanut butter sandwich you normally eat is not there? What if your bank account was in the millions, would you even miss a ten-dollar check that someone did not give you? That is what it is like when you have all of Jesus! You will never need or want anything from anyone else. Instead, you can share your food (which never runs out like the loaves and fishes) with everyone who is hungry. You can share your riches with everyone who is poor. You can give your love to your children or husband without needing their love to be returned. This is the way God intended us to live, and the reason why He sent His Son to be our Husband: to live, die and hold the keys to death, dying, tears, pain, and shame.

Conclusion

There’s no question that our world today is impoverished and it is up to us to feed them with the truth. However, we cannot express to anyone what we don’t have ourselves, when we live in poverty and in need! We need to first feast on the intimacy that is ours when we just take the time to develop it. Nothing comes from thinking about it—it comes from prioritizing our lives by first prioritizing our hearts!

God is about to shake up the women of the world and I want to be the first in line to follow Him. When I was thinking of heaven (I was singing a song about living in the Father’s house where there are many rooms), I told the Lord that I wanted the room closest to His. I told Him not to be surprised if I slept right there by His door, because I couldn’t bear being too far away. And that I would rather sleep at the foot of His bed, if He would allow me, like a little puppy who adored its master rather than the most comfortable bed in heaven.

The truth is, I am not really interested in throwing my crown at His feet (though He deserves it) or to hear “well done, my good and faithful servant.” I am only interested in that long embrace with Him that I hope will last for all eternity.

#FAL3