RYR 12 “Hot Pursuit”

Since pursuing those we love is an obsession for many women, I felt strongly that one chapter alone, “Time Heals,” was not a strong enough message. So this chapter will continue on with the hope that what I share with you will help to put to rest the pressing feeling that you must continue to pursue those whom have chosen to leave you or have cut off communication with you.

There are actually ministries devoted to the task of encouraging women whose husbands have left them to call them regularly, send them cards, flowers, etc., etc., however, have you ever been on the other end of someone who you want to rid yourself of, but they simply won’t let you go?

The Lord showed how frustrating this can be years ago while I was driving. So self-righteous and religious, I would never, ever go over the speed limit (not to say that I speed now). I was driving with my cruise control on, going exactly 55 mph, and right next to me must have been another religious person because she was going the exact same speed. Together we managed to block this highway making the guy behind me ride right on my bumper! Yet, in my very self-righteous, religious manner, I was determined to go the same speed no matter what. That’s when the Lord spoke to me to “speed up so he could pass”! Wow.

Once I stopped resisting the Lord’s promptings (thinking it must be the devil), the Lord showed me precisely what happens when we get in the way of someone who wants to get away from us, but we won’t let go. When I got out of the driver’s way, he sped by me going about 100 mph, without failing to show me his appreciation with a meaningful hand gesture. LOL

That, ladies, is how your husband, your son, your daughter, (each and every one whom you are trying to hold onto) feels because you simply won’t let go. Now please understand, I am NOT talking about your terrible two-year-old who doesn’t want to hold your hand while in a busy parking lot. I am talking about your adult son or daughter, your neighbor, or your coworker who has clearly told you that he or she wants some space and doesn’t want to communicate with you!

When someone treats us like this, we who are self-righteous and ever so Christian, pride ourselves in not being “like the world” whom we know would simply say, “Fine! I don’t want anything to do with you either—drop dead!” as they stomp out or hang up on their caller. We want to prove our self-righteousness by sending them cards, and gifts, etc., etc. and making sure we tell everyone we know what we are doing to mend things, and how horribly they have treated us, but how we are praying for their souls, since they must not be a Christian—Hogwash!

Let’s be right up front, if we really cared about that other person, we would respect their desire to have nothing to do with us, and we wouldn’t blame them a bit! We would take our rejection to the Lord, and ask Him to bless them, after, that is, we sought the Lord for what we did to bring them to the point of feeling this way toward us! Then, when the Lord created the proper opportunity (often this needs time because they are not ready to hear our apology when they are still angry at us), humbly we would ask for forgiveness, but we wouldn’t expect to be forgiven, not because of self-pity, but because we know firsthand how difficult forgiveness is when we’ve been hurt.

You and I know too, that very often, even after we have told people we forgive them, hard feelings pop up their ugly little heads, so we have to run to God for help to forgive again. So, is it any surprise that the one we have hurt struggles with forgiveness when he or she may not be a Christian (or not a Christian for as long as we have been)? Getting real with how we are helps us to understand the struggles of others, hopefully, so we can give them time to deal with their anger or tears.

As I mentioned in the last chapter, time really does heal old deep wounds. So when you are rejected, whether you did anything or not, give it all to God and tell Him that if you are supposed repent, for Him to orchestrate it so that they will call you! And if you are blessed with a call from them, be the one to keep it short. Not to the point where the other person feels you no longer care, but so you don’t prolong a conversation (so they no longer want to call you for fear of long drawn out conversations). How do you know when to end conversations?

So often the other person will drop a hint that they have something they have to do, but rather than let them go, we are so pathetic, we start talking about something else! Is there anyone else like me? Come on—be honest.

It helps to practice ways of closing conversation, like: “Oh, you’ve got to go—okay, bye” and then you hang up. Don’t let what you just remembered keep them on the phone, or worse, cause you to call them back. If you do remember something that is important, write it down and keep it next to the phone until they call again—that’s the key, let them call you!

Recently with the marriage of one of my sons, I was shocked at my son’s response when I invited him over for dinner (actually, he was engaged, and not yet married, when I called). He told me how difficult it was to try to make “everyone” happy and that he just couldn’t keep coming over every time I called. Wow was that a shock! Free meals always used to be something he begged for, now I was being falsely accused of bothering him. Know the feeling?

So, rather than get on the phone, or tell one of my children what their brother said, I took it to the Lord. (If this plagues you too, keep rereading chapter 6 “Tell it to Your Husband.”) Oh, and something I just began really doing, and I am still not sure why it took so long to ask, I now ask the Lord to show me the incident from the other person’s perspective—from their eyes. Guess what, He will.

The Lord showed me that since becoming engaged his fiancé’s mom and stepmom were in a tug of war over this couple, and my son had grouped me with them. And guess what? No matter how many times I assured my son that if he came to eat that was fine, or if he never came that was fine too, it didn’t matter. He saw it only one way.

Again, I took it to the Lord for His solution, not mine. Though I write books on the subject of relationships, I have no idea what to do in any given situation, and to think so would be stupid, steeped in pride. Only God knows what is going on and what the solution is to every situation. He will go to the root of the problem, while we have a habit (without the Lord’s help) to cut off the branches, which actually means we are pruning our problems that will ultimately bring forth more bad fruit!

The solution He gave me works every time, and that is what I have been sharing with you—it is: let go and leave it alone! So that’s exactly what I did. I stopped calling. Stopped completely!

Several weeks went by (and yes, there were many times that I thought about calling or had the urge to call, but I refused to) and then I got a call from him! I was actually on vacation with my youngest three children. So much time had passed that he didn’t even know we were going on vacation and seemed shocked and hurt that I hadn’t told him. (Sometimes its nice when the tables turn doesn’t it? And I don’t mean it in an ugly way, but often because we care so terribly much, we are the ones who are always rejected and hurt.)

And though I was so excited to hear from him, and my flesh just wanted to talk forever and get very excited to hear everything he had been up to, I held back and made my conversation short. The result is that my son asked me to tell him when I would be back because they (he and his fiancé) wanted to come over! Again, I was vague and said I wasn’t sure (it was true). Though his offer made me want to hurry back home, I knew the right thing to do was to take my time; time well spent with my younger children was really the right thing to do. When we ended our conversation, he asked that I call him when I was headed home.

Funny thing, I forgot. Here’s the key: when you can just give it all to God, and wrap yourself in His love, you no longer are needy. Needy people are a “set up” for rejection, abuse, and all sorts of horrible things; did you know that? Really? Then stop reading for a minute and think about the “neediest” people you know and how they actually set themselves up for rejection. See what I mean?

Just recently I have been trying to help my sister with that problem, but first, let me finish my story to prove that this is God’s way.

Not even five minutes from when my son got off work, he called me, again! He said that I was supposed to call him, to which I responded with “Sorry, I forgot.” And ladies, since you can’t hear me (or the tone of my voice), you may think I did this with an “attitude” but I didn’t. I love my son and want a close and loving relationship with him. I am against playing games, but truly letting go is no game. It means that whether it works fairly quickly, like it did with my son, or if it takes years, like it did with my brother (that you read about in the last chapter), we give that person, and that relationship to God while we simple wait.

The result was this, when we turned the corner to our house, there was my son’s car! He and his fiancé (now his wife) were there waiting for us! They spent hours listening to our trip, which made our homecoming really special.

Yet, you may be wondering what if it was you who have done something, and you desperately want to make it right. The same holds true.

If you have read my book Moving Mountains, then you know that just before one of my son’s married, something was discovered about his fiancé. Knowing that this was something to take to the Lord, I remained quiet; however, one of my other sons spoke to and offended his brother when he told him that we all (including me) wanted him to reconsider and stop the wedding. This is an offense to the max, wouldn’t you say?

The wedding went through as planned, and since my son (their brother) had decided what was right was to go through with the marriage, we all wanted to do all we could to make this precious new member of our family feel a part of our family—loved and wanted. Yet, it hasn’t been easy. We can tell that they want to be left alone, so how do you know when to give or when to wait? It is just not easy, and it’s why we need to really seek God and be one with Him!

Currently, the Lord has encouraged me to let go, and do just as I did when my son felt I was obsessive just like the other mom and stepmom. I, personally, would rather call, give, and give some more. However, if I do, I am doing the same as was done to me!

That will be what we learn in our next chapter: how to do to others, as you want them to do to you! But, even more importantly, I will share how the Lord healed me of years of pain and shame.

Testimony: Pursuit Caused MORE Heartbreak

Hello Erin,

I am very new to RMI. I submitted a praise report two days ago that didn't get posted to the site. I don't know if it was too long or didn't encourage others the way you were looking for or maybe you didn't get it at all! I agree that we need to share our testimonies to encourage one another. We are a family, not just within this ministry, but within the body of Christ!

Here is my testimony for the question you posed: "Do YOU have a testimony of how your pursuit of others caused more heartbreak?"

My husband and I are separated and he has since begun the process of filing for divorce. I saw him last week and tried to convince him that divorce was not God's will. I cried, pleaded, and argued with him. I saw him getting angrier and his heart turning colder the more I pressed. Nothing I could say was making any difference. He was determined to continue the divorce process. I went back to my apartment feeling devastated and went straight to the RMI website.  

Being a new member, I had much to learn. I pored over the materials till the wee hours of the morning and realized that what I had done was detrimental to my marriage. I should have NEVER confronted my husband the way I did. I took my focus off the situation and put my eyes right on God. I sent my husband an email before I went to bed that night that said, "I release you," and I meant it. I told him I would no longer be initiating contact with him anymore and that my eyes were going to be solely on God and my relationship with Him. 

And then I FOLLOWED THROUGH! I haven't called, texted, emailed, or gone over to the house since. Instead I have begun to read and pray every day, and I am taking a class at church. I have had such joy and peace! God is doing a great work in my heart and in my relationship with Him. He is an awesome God! Now my husband is calling me, texting me, and has invited me to dinner and lunch since last week. He sees my quiet, gentle spirit and it seems to be changing his whole attitude toward me. I know that God will restore my marriage in His time. For now, I am focused on the restoration of my relationship with Him.

~ Darlene in Arizona

 

Dear Erin,

After reading Chapter 8 today and talking with my ePartner, Angel, last night at my absolute lowest, I have to be honest with everyone, myself, and definitely God—who opened my eyes. I believe that I spent so much time trying to do what I felt was right, that perhaps I took my eyes off of what was truly the point. That point was—to chase after God.

I never called my former husband and only talked with him when he called, but every time he would call we would talk forever. During the end of the conversation when he mentioned he needed to go, I would remember something and have to interject it very quickly before finally hanging up. I also realized that, without even knowing it at the time, I would sometimes both come out and say directly or indirectly that I still loved him, which I know I shouldn't do.

I truly believe that God is at work in my situation, as my former husband still tries very hard to protect me, but I believe that the hard realization I have come to today is that I chased him further away past the point of divorce and quite possibly to another. Like you mentioned in the chapter, I now believe that God allowed the divorce to go through, your timely teachings, the words of my best friend, and further hurt to open my eyes to what I had been doing so that I could share with the ladies.

I am so far from perfect. I am learning that more and more every day. For those ladies who have not yet had to go through divorce and for those that, like me, have had to learn the hard way, let go and let God. You may not even realize what you are doing. Seek first the kingdom of God--not the end result--and all of these things will be added unto you.

I still get nightly phone calls from my former husband when he calls to talk with the girls. I intend to start today fresh with the Lord's leading to keep my conversations short and to be more aware of what I am saying with the Lord's help.

I want all of the ladies, regardless of marital situation, to understand that we need to watch what and how much we say and to really evaluate whether intentionally or unintentionally we are still hanging on. Please, don't take the path I have had to take to finally come to a place of understanding. I am at the top of the list of hardheads, and God in His infinite wisdom knows that. It takes huge life shattering events to get my attention. He has chosen to take me the route of the Israelites—the long, hard road—to teach me, and for that I am grateful. I still have much to learn on this journey, but when this journey is completed, I am looking forward to the one that follows.

If you have been like me and pursued whether you realized it or not, it is not too late. Get alone with the Lord and ask his forgiveness, and then ask forgiveness of the one you have offended and then let it be. Don't backslide. Spend the extra time you would have spent talking with the person in your prayer closest alone with the Lord. God knows your heart; you don't need to repeatedly share it with the person you have been pursuing.

Love you,

~ Tonya in Ohio

Personal commitment: to trust God alone. “Based on what I have learned in Scripture, I commit to turning my attention and efforts to pursuing the Lord rather than the person (or persons) who have left or want nothing to do with me. I will simply trust that He will work all things out for my good as I put Him as the only desire of my heart.”