RYR 8 “First to Throw a Stone”

The main principle in this chapter is based on the fact that none of us is without sin that we should be the one to cast the first stone at anyone since we have been given forgiveness with the Lord’s blood shed for all who are born again.

How foolish and dangerous when we judge our daughter's immoral behavior, or our son’s weakness to pornography? Who among us has not sinned that we should cast the first stone at anyone? If we were judged for our sins, all of us would end up in hell where we truly belong. “If anyone hears My sayings and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world” (John 12:47). If it was Jesus’ goal to not judge, but to save (through His love while we were yet sinners), who are we to judge anyone?

Though sinners, Jesus died and took the blame, nailing our sins, and the sins of all the world—including your husband’s, son’s, daughter’s, neighbor’s and boss’ sins. Rather than judge another, let us each remember what Jesus did for us and grant that person our forgiveness in the same way Jesus forgave and continues to forgive us! “But Jesus was saying, ‘Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing’ And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves” (Luke 23:34).

I personally find it absolutely incredible that the “forgiven” people of this world, the Christian, is often the most unforgiving. How can we ignore what our Lord has done for us that we could possibly stand in the place where we choose not to forgive someone else? This parable clearly tells us what the outcome will be when our hearts are unwilling to forgive anyone for anything. Jesus explains it this way in Matthew 18:23-35 NIV. 

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’

“In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

Though this chapter will be focusing on the sin of adultery within the marriage, forgiveness is a principle that all of us must learn and apply to our lives with everyone. It is my hope that each of you will take the time to read through this chapter to renew your mind on the misconception that adultery and all unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce, when, in fact, you will learn, as I did, that adultery is actually an opportunity for forgiveness!

Adultery: Grounds for Divorce?

or

Opportunity for Forgiveness?

Should adultery or other immorality be forgiven?

Yes. Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery: “Did no one condemn you? . . . Neither do I condemn you; go your way. From now on sin no more” (John 8:10–11). Actually, not only is adultery not grounds for divorce, it is grounds for forgiveness, as Jesus showed in John 8:10 “Neither do I condemn you.”

We also have an example of a spouse forgiving adultery in Hosea 3:1. “Then the Lord said to me, ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress.’” Then in 1 Corinthians 6:9–11, when God refers to adulterers and fornicators, He says: “And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God.” Adultery, and every other sin, can be washed in His blood of forgiveness.

Yet, too many pastors say that adultery is grounds for divorce. “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:27–28). If it were true that adultery were grounds for divorce, then most married women would be free to divorce their husbands since most men have lusted over pictures of women on television or in magazines!

And for those of you have committed adultery yourself, you must confess your sin to your husband if he is unaware of your unfaithfulness. This goes for mothers or fathers who have a promiscuous son or daughter when they, themselves, fell into the same or similar sins when they were young (or even as an adult). “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion” (Prov. 28:13).

So many women make excuses, even valid ones (when a husband is known to be a violent man), why they cannot confess their adultery. But, dear one, the shame and guilt that sin that is unconfessed carries is far greater burden. And please don’t fear. The Lord is more than able to protect you when you choose to confess rather than walk in fear and condemnation. I have seen this proven countless times.

Should my husband’s adultery be forgiven? Should my son’s pornography be forgiven? Should my daughter’s sleeping around be forgiven?

What did Jesus do? Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, “Did no one condemn you?  . . . Neither do I condemn you; go your way. From now on, sin no more” (John 8:10–11).

But you don’t understand— he (or she) is a “repeat offender”!

What did Jesus say when Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother who sinned against him. “Seven times?” he suggested. But Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” That’s 490 times! (See Matt. 18:22.) Too often when women have husbands who are repeat offenders (like mine was), a pastor or counselor convinces the women not to forgive or it will encourage him to continue; however, this is simply not scriptural.

What a husband does or does not do, in regard to repenting (turning away from the sin) has nothing at all to do with whether or not we forgive. Clearly, the Bible is clear—we must forgive 490 times if necessary. It is when we choose not to forgive that we put ourselves in danger. Until we release our offender, through forgiveness, the offender will not feel the full effects of his sin, but instead, we will live with the burden.

It was the love and compassion that the harlots and other sinners felt from Jesus that turned their heart to the point that they were able, and willing, to turn away from the sin that had them bound. The same is true for your loved one.

Are you without sin, that you should cast the first stone? Jesus also said to the people who wanted this adulterous woman punished, “He who is without sin among you, cast the first stone” (John 8:7). Are you without sin, that you should cast the first stone at your husband? The truth is, “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). When we truly feel the forgiveness of the Lord for our sins, then we can easily release others who have sinned against us.

But I never did anything that sinful! Let me show you that God groups your sins along with the one you are disgusted with. See how God sees your sin: “Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: (his or hers?) immorality, impurity, sensuality . . . drunkenness, carousing, (now yours?) strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, envying” (Gal. 5:19–20). Sin is sin, plain and simple. Sin separates us from fellowship with God, and so does not forgiving. Don’t concern yourself with what your husband or you son or your daughter does or does not do, but instead focus on your relationship with the Lord and increase your intimacy with Him. As a result, you will be capable of loving everyone, unconditionally, which in turn will soon free them of the sin that binds them.

Anger and contentiousness or condemnation keeps the person you claim to love bound or tied to sin. Free them with the love that never fails!

And if I don’t forgive? What are the grave consequences when you choose to not forgive? “But if you do not forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will not forgive your transgression” (Matt. 6:15). This is a pretty hefty punishment for those who choose to withhold forgiveness. Beloved, it is not worth holding on to your pain—yes, your pain. By withhold forgiveness you imprison yourself with pain. Once you forgive, then the Lord is free to relieve you of your pain and bind up your wounds.

When God refers to adulterers and fornicators, He says, “And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:9–11).

But adultery has happened before! Let us once more remember what Jesus said to us when asked how often we are to forgive someone. “If he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying ‘I repent,’ forgive him seven times seventy” (Luke 17:1–4). (See “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit,” in A Wise Woman on the subject, and the dangers of using “Tough Love.”).

But he hasn’t repented! Many Christians have been told that they don’t need to forgive until the offender repents. This is not biblical. As Jesus hung on the cross for your sins, He cried out, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). And Stephen followed the Lord’s example while being stoned unjustly. “When they had driven him out of the city, they began stoning him…Then falling on his knees, he cried out with a loud voice, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them!" Having said this, he fell asleep” (Acts 7:58, 60).

I honestly thought that once my husband asked for forgiveness with a sincere heart that it was what I needed to get over the shame, pain and humiliation of being cheated on over and over again. But my healing and joy came long without his ever repenting! It came when I chose to release him to the other woman (since she was his choice over me), because I had gained the intimacy with the Lord—whose love was far greater than any human love could or would ever be!

Women can’t imagine not being hugged or held close by a real person (their husband or even another man). They cannot fathom being hugged or held close by the Lord, who really is our true Husband. The only way to try to describe it is to ask if you have ever been hugged, and wanted desperately to feel “a warmth” inside, but you only felt pain (maybe because you doubted that man’s love for you)?

When the Lord holds you tightly, you feel it so deep inside that you want to burst, even though you don’t actually feel human arms around you. What a woman needs in not superficial, but something deep in her heart. A man can never fulfill the emptiness you feel—love was created by God and it can only truly be filled through His Son—Jesus.

“Don’t be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” God specifically asked His prophet Hosea to remarry his wife Gomer, even after she was blatantly unfaithful to him. Hosea 2:2 says, “For she is not my wife, and I am not her husband . . .” Then in verse 7, “Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’” Later in verse 3:1, “Then the Lord said to me (Hosea), ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress.’” God used the story of Hosea and Gomer to show His commitment to His own bride, the church (see the book of Hosea).

We also have the example of how God wants us to handle sin in others in Luke 15 when the older son said to his father “...this son of yours came, who devoured your wealth with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.” Then the father said to his older son, “But we had to be merry and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.” What will your husband or son or daughter find when he or she calls or comes by? The fatted calf, your robe, and a ring—or will he or she be met with anger, judgment, and more condemnation?

God tells us that we need to go beyond forgiveness and even reaffirm our love to those who most would say are unworthy of our love. It says, “forgive and comfort him, lest somehow such a one be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Cor. 2:6). This is not what you hear from your Christian friends or from your Christian counselor, and more than likely if you showed them this verse, they would use some sort of psychology tactic that if you do so you would enable him to continue to sin, or some other such nonsense. God’s Word is the only truth, therefore, if you do what is contrary you will only reap continued heartache and troubles.

Can I ever trust him again? God said to trust only Him. Many people asked me how I could trust my husband again after his unfaithfulness after he left me and returned the first time. I always answered with “I don’t trust him” to which they would always looked shocked. Then I quoted who God says we are only to trust, “Cursed is the man who trusts mankind and makes flesh his strength. . . . Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord” (Jer. 17:5–7).

God may bring on His wrath—don’t you do it! “Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For on account of these things the wrath of God will come” (Col. 3:5–6). “For we know Him who said, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ and again, ‘The Lord will judge His people.’ It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” (Heb. 10:30–31). If you haven’t truly forgiven your husband or son or daughter, then you may be joyful when the “wrath from God” begins. However, God warns us: “Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; or the Lord will see it and be displeased, and turn His anger away from him” (Prov. 24:17–18).

After my husband left me the second time, and even when I heard that he was marrying the other woman, I spoke to the Lord to please go ahead and bless them. I told the Lord that I was so happy with Him that to see them miserable or hurting would not bring me happiness. The Lord told me that I had the right heart, but that He is a God of justice. It makes me sad to see those who suffer for wrong deeds since that person, if not for the grace of God, could have been me!

I can’t help but feel a bit of hurt in my heart for the other woman since there is no doubt that soon (if it hasn’t happened already) she will be hurt yet again. All women (you, me, and your adulteress) are longing to be loved. If it were not for the love of God, I could easily be an adulteress woman, and in fact I was. I am the Lord’s bride (and so are you), and He is our Husband, but my heart did not have Him in first place in my life, therefore, I, too, was the adulteress in my commitment to my Husband.

No man will ever bring us the joy and give us the love that each of us longs for. I would urge you not to look at the other woman in your husband’s life as the enemy, but as a sister who clearly will soon be hurt and disappointed. All of us are disappointed or hurt after we say, “I do” because marriage is never what we hoped and dreamed it would be.

This is true for whomever your son or daughter may be involved with, or why they are involved with someone or something. Only true intimacy with the Lord, who is the lover of our souls, will bring that joy and fulfillment that each of us long to enjoy.

Don’t be deceived—you don’t need to look into what your husband or son or daughter is doing. “For nothing is hidden that shall not become evident, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come to light” (Luke 8:17). Everything that is going on behind your back is being done, and has been hidden from you by God who desperately wants protect you! Those who thwart God’s protection by spying or investigating are tragic; please don’t make the same mistake! “For it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret” (Eph. 5:12). Unfortunately, too many people will encourage you to follow your husband or son or daughter and peek into things when you should turn away from them. If and when God wants you to know something, He will reveal it to you Himself!

Soon after my husband filed for divorce, I had two people on the same day tell me that my husband was certainly involved with another woman again. I continued to tell them that it was not possible, but they told me all the signs were there and it had to be true since he was a “repeat offender.” When I went into my prayer closet, I was shocked when I found myself asking the Lord if it were true (even though I knew it wasn’t). The Lord told me it was, showed me a list of each and every time that my husband had contact with his high school sweetheart, and even told me her name! But because it was the Lord who told me, in His kind, gentle and loving way, it did not hurt a bit! The first time, when I found out, I was in a fetal position for three days, and was unable to eat or sleep for almost two years!

Keep your eyes on the Lord and spend as much time as you need in your prayer closet in the presence of the Lord. Each and every time you experience pain in your heart (even the slightest twinge) go to Him for comfort. Even if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your children or for your family who also hurts when they see you hurting.

My children did experience loss when their father left and moved nine hours away. However, I did not add to their hurt because I carefully kept giving my troubles to the Lord in my prayer closet (when the hurt was big) and throughout the day (for all those little hurts that can weary you). The result was joy in my life and joy in our home, so much so, that we began attracting many young people (my sons and daughter’s friends) who said that they liked the way our home felt!

 Joy, my Beloved, can be yours. All you have to do is walk this out in the same way as Jesus walked out His betrayal and persecution. “For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps . . . and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him (God) who judges righteously” (1 Pet. 2:21-23).

This is a spiritual battle. It must be fought and won in the Spirit. Always ignore and resist the temptation to fight in the flesh, either viciously or enticingly. Books, talk shows, and well-meaning friends may try to sway you to either administer the “tough love” approach, which, we experienced first-hand, leads to even more hurt and a complete disaster of your restoration and life.

The other advice, they’ll tell you, is to be more romantic or seductive to get your husband back. Neither of these is the cause nor the solution to adultery. This, as with all sin, is a spiritual battle. It must be fought and won in the Spirit. Love, as described in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, is always the right response!

Once your husband shows you that he feels he is able to trust you (because he knows that you are not going to try to make him come back to you, but that you have let him go) then it is time to allure him as it describes in the book of Hosea. Seducing is very different from alluring. Kind and loving words are alluring. Forgiveness is alluring. Someone who is at peace is alluring. “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her” (Hos. 2:14).

Though I was led to allure my husband the first time he left me, this time the Lord showed me that His desire was for me to be allured!! How awesome! For many months I had both my ex-husband and the Lord alluring me, until the Lord ultimately won out. Many women fear pursing the Lord as I did since they don’t want to end up “single” but the truth is, if God created you to be married, you will know since God loves to give each of us “the desire of our hearts.”

For me, my choice was made long before my husband started to pursue and allure me after he filed for divorce the second time. Two years before he left I longed for when I had deep intimacy with the Lord when my husband had left me the first time in 1989.

My mind continually regretted not cherishing and enjoying that deep intimacy because I also had such incredible fear, which resulted in pain. My two years with the Lord, alone, because of my fear was bittersweet. So once I was given another chance, to be alone with the Lord, not just for two years, but for eternity, there was no turning back.

Many women who desire marriage restoration believe that another restored marriage would be the best testimony for me. However, the husband and wife are merely a “representation” of the marriage between His bride (us, the church) and the Bridegroom, Jesus. There are many women who will never be married or will continue to be rejected by the man whom she loves. My life now proves that the love of Jesus is more than enough for any and all women.

If we as women continue to put the importance of having a (human) man as the only way to feel like a woman or to be loved (as we all long to be loved), what then can we say to that young teenage girl who is abused and used by her boyfriend who only wants to fulfill his lust? It is not what we say, but how we live that speaks volumes. My life now is the message that I want to speak to my own daughters and all women.

What I have been telling them, and their friends, is to” run after the Lord with everything that you have—pursue Him with a passion, and godly men will pursue you!” (I know this is true because, praise God, my sons, and their friends, are looking for young women who put the Lord first and they are having the hardest time finding them! I have been blessed to overhear many of their conversations.) And then I tell these girls (and am also telling you), that as soon as this godly man starts to run after you, don’t look back, just run faster toward the Lord. Any man who is able to overtake you, is worthy of you!

No, I am not a feminist, but a woman who believes that women today have sold themselves for nothing but human love that will leave us empty and wanting; therefore, vulnerable to abuse, and misuse. A woman wants love, not sex, no matter what the media wants to portray in their movies and on television.

Do your daughters, nieces, and all the young women in your life a huge favor and pursue God with a passion, even if you are in a human marriage. It is God alone who will meet all of our needs, therefore, our lives must reflect this truth if we are going to be able to save those dear young girls who have been lied to by our example of making men our ultimate goal.

By agreement. Many women ask what they should do if their unfaithful husbands approach them for physical intimacy. Here is what the Bible says, “But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor. 7:2–5).

If you are still legally married, yet you refuse to be intimate, resist his advances, order him out of your bed, or initiate sleeping apart (for whatever reason), you are violating Scripture no matter what your pastor has told you. You will be the one who suffers the consequences of disobedience, but clearly those who choose to believe a pastor or counselor is because they want their pastors (and everyone) to tell them this. “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have t heir ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths” (2 Tim. 4:3–4).

The other way to tell if what you do or how you react is to see if this is the same way the world would respond. A woman who is an unbeliever would certainly order her husband out of her bed or out of her house if he were in adultery. “And if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:32).

When a sinner or anyone who was “unclean” came to Jesus, He always responded kindly and even touched them. He says that anyone who comes to Him, He will in no way cast out! (See John 6:37.) No matter how often a sinner comes to the Lord, He always accepts him back even though He knows that he will soon reject Him again. So, the question is, are you an imitator of Jesus who showed us how to live?

What about the possibility of some sort of venereal disease? The truth is that almost all men cheat on their wives and have been intimate with another woman (or many women) before he is caught or confesses. I believe and have proven it true that a woman who fears the Lord will also gain His protection if she continues to submit to her husband without being frightened by any fear. “Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear” (1 Pet. 3:6).

“These signs will accompany those who have believed…they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them” (Mark 16:17–18). Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have this kind of faith. God is able to protect you from intimacy (if disease is what you fear), by making you a loathing to your husband (see Ps. 88:8, 18) or through divorce.

Divorce means no intimacy with your former husband; the verses in 1 Corinthians 7:2–5 clearly covers those who are still legally married. If a divorce has taken place, this is the time that you must abstain from intimacy when your former husband requests it since the courts have granted the divorce. Intimacy with an ex-husband is the same as young people who sleep with or live with someone before they are married—it is sin plain and simple.

God will reward your desire for purity and devotion to Him and His Word in the very same way that He will reward your daughter or the other young women in your life whom you have encouraged to also remain pure.

Testimony: God Restores a 20-year old Relationship!

I praise my Abba Father! He has restored the relationship between my daughter and me!

I was the worst mom! We never got along! I hurt her terribly by abandoning her before she grew up. My parents raised her. Her biological father was very abusive, and I never allowed him to see her. Every time I looked at her, I saw him. I was so selfish that I took my rage out on her by not having anything to do with her. I was always choosing men over her. I never wanted to be alone; I always had a boyfriend, yet I was always miserable.

Praise the Lord for separating me from my precious husband! I've fallen in love with the Lord and He has been molding me into my daughter’s godly mother! Hallelujah! Two weeks ago, in July, my daughter and I went on a long walk. She expressed her feelings about how bad a mom I was. I was screaming in my head and heart, “JESUS… JESUS… JESUS..." All I could say was JESUS! Her words were piercing, but true.

I begged the Lord to prevail because I didn’t want to hear all this painful stuff—I was already broken from my husband rejecting me. Hallelujah, the Lord prevailed! My daughter told her grandma that she no longer had any anger for her mom, me. She said that after our long walk, I finally understood all that my daughter ever wanted was to be number one in her mom’s eyes and heart. Praise God, she is now! God has restored a 20-year horribly bad situation between my precious little daughter and me. She is now 20 years old. She told her grandma, “Grandma, I am number one in Mom’s heart and mind! I feel it! I know it! My mom loves me!”

By the grace of God, He removed the hate wall she had for me, she is now substance-free and wants nothing to do with boys! Praise the Lord! Had my husband been home, my focus would have still been on him, and I would not have paid attention to my daughter.

Thank You, Lord, for making me an object of loathing to my husband for a season. Thank You, Lord for this immense pain, for you Lord work all things together for good for those who love You!

~ Chizette in Idaho

Personal commitment: to forgive. “Based on what I have learned in Scripture, I commit to trusting the Lord and refusing to fight in the flesh. I will continue, daily and moment-by-moment, to forgive my husband, son, and/or daughter and any who have been involved with him or her. I will stay gentle and quiet as I walk in a spirit of forgiveness and refuse to cast the first stone.”