RYR 14 “You Be the Judge”

If you are trusting the Lord to restore your relationship with a grown son or daughter, or your husband, you may find that when you do have contact with them things seem to go well, but then you never hear from them and they disappear from your life—again.

There may be many reasons, but while encouraging and teaching my special needs sister to help her with her relationships, I found that often what I shared with her convicted me. That’s when I knew it was practical information and wisdom that I should share with my readers of this book.

Being the judge seems to be something that we are being trained to do in today’s society like never before. You may even watch reality television with actual judges, and when you do, you find yourself judging the people’s sincerity and motives just as the judge is doing. Though this may work in court, in a relationship it is deadly.

How many of us like telling someone what we are doing, or plan to do, only to have them tell us to do something else or about the mistakes we are about to make? That feeling of being let down is also deeply rooted in your son or daughter, and especially in your husband (or ex-husband). All of us, and I mean all of us, want the feedback we hear to be positive, uplifting and encouraging. But when it’s not, we find that we soon stop sharing our lives with those who feel it is their “duty” to judge it.

Many women have no idea that they are like this. I could have been one of them; however, I was blessed to be aware of this so I could consciously make sure I never fell into this trap that keeps the people we love away from us!

I never, ever, tired of calling my parents or visiting them when they were living because when I did, I always walked away feeling great! No matter what I shared with them, they were for me. They were the first ones to offer money, even when what I shared (or my husband at the time shared) was a stupid plan and waste of money. Their excitement and approval did not make me (or any of my siblings) irresponsible, but instead, by having parents on our side, were free to make the right decisions and become successful.

To be sure, one or two of my siblings at times were “flakes,” but that was never due to my parents’ acceptance and love. I am telling you this since many of you excuse your negative comments because your children are flakes and irresponsible. However, it is when people believe in us that we all do our best—right? Isn’t that the way God is with us? No matter how many times we mess up and fall short, He is always right there to encourage us when we come to Him for help.

If, on the other hand, we found the Lord to be harsh and condemning, how many of us would run to Him and stay in fellowship with Him? Therefore, with God as our example of the perfect parent, this is the kind of mother we need to be to our children, and the kind of person we should be to others (husband, friend, coworker, and/or sibling).

While married, and even now, I find that the opposite of being positive keeps those we love away from us. My ex-husband’s parents had a bad habit of judging their son whenever he would call with exciting news. Even if he had a new job, they would warn him that he should be careful not to lose it. They, unfortunately, are the same with their grandchildren who hardly ever speak to them. I believe God allowed the example of my parents versus my ex-husband’s parents so that I could see this truth and share it with other women: be conscience of how your response may be keeping your loved ones away!

Sometimes the people we love call for our advice; however, usually, but not always, they really just need a listening ear! That’s what I need and the way I operate, and maybe you do too. It just helps to talk things out, but rarely do I want the other person’s advice. It’s when I hear what I am saying that helps me realize the way God is leading me. And even if your loved one is not a believer, you can help by listening, nodding (or affirming on the telephone), and letting them have someone who is not trying to run their life, but is always there with a listening ear and positive response.

Never offer advice, but instead, let them ask you for advice. And if they do ask, be sure to keep it short, and always end with them seeking the Lord, praying about it, or making their own decision.

Just today my daughter asked me if I told her brother (my son) not to go out with this girl that we both know (and he knew as well) was someone he shouldn’t see any more. I told her “No, he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions.” Though my son spoke to me about it, as he does with almost everything in his life, I know that he needs to know what to do, which is more important than him obeying what I think he should do at this point in his life.

When he was young, I was diligent to teach him what was right and what was wrong, and more importantly, to seek the Lord and to always choose to do what was right. God simply is so good, not ten minutes ago he told me that he had called and told the girl he could not take her up on her offer (not only was she a huge temptation, being extremely beautiful and talented and beyond sweet, but she had free tickets to a concert that was a once in a lifetime opportunity). He told me that right before he made the call one of his friends said, “My gosh—GO! WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?” Even with a greater temptation, he knew he made the right decision. But, then, what if he hadn’t?

As a mother, I simply must trust God with my children. Before I came to this place of complete trust, I was a mother who worried and worked hard at being the best mom. This all had to change when my husband divorced me, moved north, and remarried, living a life that was not the Christian one we live here. When my younger children are there, I know there is nothing I can do to help or protect them. Nothing. It is when we come to this place of complete dependence that we are forced to give it all to God and simply trust Him or suffer with worry.

Having to trust God for my younger children’s wellbeing when they are with their dad and step-mom has resulted in being a much better mom to my older children and being able to be behind them no matter what. Do I always trust that what they are going to do is the right thing? No. But I do know that God promises that all things will work together for good (Romans 8:28), and that it often takes our mistakes to really learn to do it God’s way, doesn’t it? My faith and trust is not in my children, or even in the way I raised them—my confidence is in the Lord and in His promises to me.

I know too, that Solomon, in all his foolishness at taking a harem full of wives, was blessed because of his father David. My goal is to create that kind of inheritance for all my children as well. By doing what is right, not only can we protect our children’s future, but our example is better than anything that we could ever say.

Another thing that many of you might not be aware of, and what I am trying to teach my sister, is how to be upbeat with a good tone in her voice and how to be thankful.

So many women who have grown children or a wayward husband find that they avoid calling or coming by because they know they will encounter a bad attitude or ungratefulness. Rather than being happy for them calling, you might not realize how often you make snide remarks about them not coming to see you, about not calling very often, and asking them why they haven’t done so for such a long time. Your tone of voice, in just answering the phone, often sounds down or depressed, and who do you know who wants to speak or hang around someone like that?

My sister, whenever I speak to her, has a habit of always saying, “Okay” when I tell her I am going to come by to give her something, or do something for her. One day I said, kind of jokingly, “Oh! Is it ‘okay’ that I do this for you?” She understood my meaning, however, she is still in this bad habit and wonders why no one wants to do anything for her. There is no doubt it is her ungrateful response!

Instead, be sure you are: up, happy, and grateful!! Listen to yourself, or ask someone who you know will be brutally honest with you, and have them tell you if you respond with a negative tone or your words are simply, “okay.”

Then, exchange this with a tone and words of excitement. Change from “okay” to “Great!” “Wow, thanks!!” Rather than snide or cynical comments about not contacting you, say something like “Wow, how great to hear from you!!” Which brings me to this other practical piece of wisdom—people like to talk about themselves!

There’s an all-time best-selling book that was published in 1936, by Dale Carnegie called How to Win Friends and Influence People. The book is summed up on the Internet, but to save you the trouble it says (italics portions are my additions):

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want (like wanting to be with you again).

Six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile (and this means with your voice too).
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language, so use it often.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests rather than your own.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

Win people to your way of thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
5. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
6. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

Be a Leader

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Talk about your own mistakes.
3. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
4. Let the other person save face.
5. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
6. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Let them know you are for them not against them.
7. Use encouragement. Make any fault seem easy to correct.

The reason I took the time to post this is because these suggestions work because they are all Biblical and what Jesus does for us. I also know that this book was one of my father’s all-time favorites and why he gathered so many close friends and gained the respect of everyone he met. Not only that, but this kind of attitude is contagious! I am not sure if my mother ever read the book herself, but I know she was the same kind of mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother, and it is why everyone wanted to be close to her!

There is also a saying that says, “To have a friend, be a friend.” If you want your wayward love one to be on friendly terms, be friendly. Answer your phone with excitement every time it rings. Never criticize, but instead listen and be encouraging, even when you are leery at what is being shared.

When what they say does concern you, don’t let on with the way you suddenly get quiet or respond with hesitancy, or worse, with a negative comment. Learn to just give it to God! When you do, you will be a woman of such joy that everyone will want to hang around you—including those who earlier couldn’t wait to get away from you!

Conclusion

Often people just need to “talk it out,” so let them do it with you if you want to surround yourself with friends and family. And be sure to let them come up with their own decision while you focus on being encouraging.

You can either be part of their lives or be shut out, and the last to know—due only to your attitude, tone of your voice, comments (or lack of a comment, like a pause when there should be affirmation), or whether you respond with: “Great!” or just “okay.”

Finally, always be happy for them. Always.

Personal commitment: to refrain from judging what the other person is saying or doing. “Based on what I have learned, I commit to trusting the Lord for all that I hear and all that happens with my loved ones. I will instead stay positive, and encouraging, just as the Lord is with me; never complaining or criticizing as the Lord helps me to change.”