Chapter 13
No More Shame
âIn that day you will feel no shame
Because of all your deeds
By which you have rebelled against Me;
For then I will remove from your midst
Your proud, exulting ones,
And you will never again be haughty.â
âZephaniah 3:11
When I married in 1981 my former in-laws were not shy about making sure that I knew that I was not their choice for a wife for my ex-husband, and who was their choice (at least my mother-in-lawâs choice). Throughout my marriage I was rejected, and then, I was finally free from needing their acceptance when the Lord showed me how to be healed.
For years, stupid long years, I wanted my husband to do something to make them like and accept me. Instead of helping, he added to my hurt and rejection by telling me that if I had been different or put out more effort, they would like me! Then, finally, I took it to the Lord.
Thatâs when the Lord showed me that it was not me, as my husband (at the time) kept telling me. He showed me that I was a peacemaker and had no enemies at all; however, on the other side of the coin, they never even got along with their own son. Thatâs when the Lord hit me with the truth: there I was, wanting their love and acceptance, when their own son had never had it from them! I had my parents, who loved me unconditionally, and all my siblingsâhe had no one.
Nevertheless, the Lord was still there to heal the hurts. He told me to write each of them (they were divorced) a very short letter each week. I did it for almost 2 years faithfully. I didnât see much of a change in them, but after a while I noticed a huge change in meâI no longer hurt! I didnât tell my husband (at the time), because for the first time I realized it wasnât about his not helping me, or about them accepting me, it was about GOD healing me!
After more than 20 years, I was free from pain. Hallelujah!
Do to Others
Luke 6:31 says, âDo to others as you would have them do to you.â As I mentioned in the previous chapter, knowing how to allow healing in my relationship with my son and daughter-in-law was based on what God had allowed me to experience with my ex-mother-in-law.
When my husband finally left me (for his high school sweetheart and his momâs choice for a wife), I chose to look at all the good in it, since âwe know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposeâ (Rom. 8:28). One very good thing was that I no longer had in-laws that didnât like me! All of us like to be liked, and though there was no more hurt, I now     wouldnât have to deal with any fresh wounds caused by rejection, which made it even better!. Then, something amazing happened!!
I got a letter from my ex-mother-in-law begging me to forgive her and telling me that I would âalways be her daughter-in-lawâ! Talk about things turning around; however, I was really excited about my new life and letting my past go. I wanted to concentrate on my future, not to dig up the past.
When I responded, I wrote the letter saying that she hadnât done anything that needed to be forgiven. That letter never made it to the mailbox. God convicted me that it wasnât really true, and the right thing to do was to tell her that she was forgiven and just a tiny bit of what she had been forgiven for (since she asked me in her letter). However, I told her that I could no longer be her daughter-in-law since her son, my ex-husband, had remarried.
Thatâs when she geared up and was in hot pursuit! She simply would not let go. She continued to write, and write, and write. It was good for me to be on the other side of this scenario so that I could see first hand what it is like to be pursued when you want someone to let you go. I could see that she wasnât interested in how I felt at all, but was only concerned with relieving her own conscience.
Thatâs the point isnât it? Isnât that why we wonât let go when we have hurt or offended someone, because WE want to feel better?
If we really cared, we would let someone go who wants to go. If it is our husband who wants to marry (or be with) someone else, who are we to stand in his way? Arenât we just as selfish as we accuse him of being?
The same goes for a son or daughter: if they want to live their own life, arenât we simply selfish and self-centered when we want them to stick around or come around for us?
And if it is a relationship that we are hoping for, by being demanding or pursuing, we have proven that it is not a caring relationship at all. A caring relationship is where both parties are happy to be with each other. When it is not pleasant for either party, itâs time for us (donât look at them) to gain all we want and all we need for happiness from the Lordâwho is the ultimate, perfect, and endless source of true joy.
Joy, unlike happiness, is constant. Happiness can change with the situation, but joy, true joy, remains and comforts us when the situation should be terribly painful.
If you are plagued with shame or guilt, all it takes is to seek the Lord more intimately today, especially when you feel rejected. Itâs the best cure to rid you of the compulsion of always setting yourself up for rejection, by no longer being in hot pursuit of those who have rejected you, as you do to others as you want them to do to you!
Personal commitment: to trust God alone. âBased on what I have learned in this chapter, I commit my passion to pursuing the Lord rather than standing in the way of the person (or persons) who want to move on with their life (at least for now). I will, instead, do to them as I want others to do to me. And as a result, I believe I will find myself rid of pain and shame.â
Please be sure to Journal
This is so true. It really takes being close to Him to be able to do this. My natural instinct would be to try and pursue to make sure the other person is not angry with me. And yes, being pursued when you don’t want to be, puts you in a situation where you can see what it must feel like for someone else when you do the same.
It also just sets you up for so much hurt and pain that could have been avoided if you stayed away
In Erin’s painting, I can see the picture of my mother’s relationship with her in-laws, although it was always cordial and they never told her that another woman had been their choice of wife for their son, my father, my mother always knew that it was not appreciated by her in-laws, my grandparents, but by the grace of God my mother has never been the type of woman who seeks at all costs to please people. She simply knows that if someone does not love her, she will not force them to love her. In this case also by the grace of God, she always knew that my dad (for some unknown reason) was rejected by my grandmother so, my mom understood very early that if they didn’t want him they wouldn’t want her either so she didn’t fight for that.
The example that both of them gave me was that despite everything they always loved their parents and in-laws respectively, they never treated them badly despite the different types of rejection they suffered from them. That living example in my family helped me later in my restoration journey. Was for her example, of not seeking and begging people to love her, that it was easier for me to let go of my earthly husband. When I read this principle in the ministry resources, I immediately thought of my mother’s testimony and I could see that it was true because my father NEVER stopped pursuing her and telling her how much he loved her, yes, men are hunters!
What I learned from this principle is that letting go, letting go, not pursuing (which is what leaves us ashamed) is an act of love, as Erin says in this chapter quoting the words of my Beloved âLet us not do what we would not like that they did to us” and it is too selfish to try to force someone to love you, give you signs of affection and do what you want them to do for you, that is selfish, and only when we fill that desire and emptiness of feeling complete and loved with the love of the Lord (the only source of water that quenches our thirst) is that we can be free to love WITHOUT expecting ANYTHING in return and it is precisely in that place that the love we give, which are seeds, is transformed into harvest and one day we began to feel loved and appreciated by people, as in the testimony of Erin, who years after having sent letters to her mother-in-law, received that type of love from her.
When we seek and pursue we are rejected and hurt, it is just a way in which the enemy wants to expose us to more pain, more suffering, more shame and it also makes the other person’s wall of hate grow, again, no one likes it. Being forced to do something you simply don’t want to do.
When I read this I was reminded that letting go is our way to feel free. We want to pursue to get what we want, rush things, on on this trail of rushing we get constantly hurt. and when hurt we try again to fix things in our own strength, and we create resentment and making people push us away because we loathe them, God is the only one who can heal and change heart, therefore our pain will lead us to Him to see how he heals, and feels it and know that all will work for good because He has the control. Im thankful to God that I was just able to share this with a friend of mine. And i don’t feel shame when talking about my spouse, because I can say it is a journey and He is working things it on both sides, it is all his hands.