RYR 10 “It’s All My Fault”

When someone goes astray, especially a son or daughter, and even a spouse, the first thing Christians are told to do is administer tough love. Most of you are familiar with the tough love approach, and I have spoken of this well-known and very popular principle; however, for those of you who are not, let me explain briefly what tough love is.

Basically, it is giving the offender the ultimatum of either shaping up or shipping out: throwing someone out of your home or life (son, daughter, husband or wife) as a way of showing your disapproval and/or changing their behavior. Unfortunately, if it ever “works” it is always temporary; and when it goes badly it usually destroys the offender. In addition, the family who administers this form of psychology-based rhetoric will be left with a giant whole in their heart and a testimony that is ruined, primarily because there is nowhere in the Bible that encourages us to handle the situation this way. Oh, wait, I take that back.

In the Old Testament the Israelites were told how to handle a son who was rebellious in this way; but as you read this, please keep in mind that this was before grace appeared with the cross. “Suppose a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such a case, the father and mother must take the son to the elders as they hold court at the town gate. The parents must say to the elders, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his town must stone him to death. In this way, you will purge this evil from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid." (Deut. 21:18-21).

 So, for me to say that tough love is unbiblical would not be completely correct; however, to follow it to the letter you would have to stone to death the offender because as we read in other Old Testament examples, God was very clear about not sparing the evil person as we see what happened in many instances when their life was spared.

Well, now, while writing this it brought to mind Ishmael who was forced from his home, along with his mother, Hagar, that maybe someone would site as a biblical principle for sending a rebellious child away. However, we do see the consequences of, again, not destroying the evil but rather sending the person away, by the wars that rage, to this day, with Israel and the descendants of Ishmael.

So tough love has been around for centuries; unfortunately, with some pretty heavy-duty consequences. I personally began a campaign against this psychology-founded book when I read it, applied the principles, and lived the horrible consequences in my marriage.

When it was first discovered that my husband had been unfaithful to me (I caught them quite by accident in a hotel when my husband’s boss sent me there to look for him when he didn’t answer his page), it broke me beyond belief. I was not angry, but broken, devastated, and despondent. By seeking the Lord, even for how He could I forgive him (when I didn’t want to, when I didn’t think he deserved it, and that I didn’t think I could do it), God instantly changed my heart (only because I sought Him to do so; I would never have been able to do it myself).

The forgiveness was powerful. It began the healing process. Things were tender, but we began a new chapter in our lives together—until the book by the same name was given to me…

My pastor, who I know meant well, said that he thought it might help. He said he could see that things were on the mend, but “just in case.” When I read it, I know now, my flesh was all over it. It felt good to read those things. Put your foot down, don’t trust, and be tough with them. Watch them, and if they step out of line, slam them.

The once broken (and for the first time) a gentle and quiet spirit, became the contentious woman turned up several notches. I was hideous and I really, even then, sense it, but it was stronger than I was. One day that woman destroyed the relationship that God had created out of forgiveness, as my husband turned to me one Mother’s Day and told me that if he never saw me again, that would be fine with him. Strong words, but after the shock wore off, I didn’t blame him a bit.

It didn’t take long for the rest of the consequences to take place; hence, my very strong opinion about that book and the accepted practice of tough love. After I began my ministry, I met literally hundreds of women who experienced the same devastating results from following this same book for their troubled marriage: things got terrible, and it destroyed what little was left.

At one point, in my very naïve mindset, I even tried to contact the author believing that maybe he didn’t know how bad it was. I mean, he never tried it with his own wife who was unfaithful to him, or his children who rebelled and became immoral—so how would he know? No matter how many times and ways I tried, I never got even close (as far as I know) from getting word to this author.

Then I thought it was my duty to expose the author, but I quickly saw that my ministry should never be against anything or anyone, but instead, my heart was to propagate the truth. So, what is the truth then?

The truth is that whenever someone chooses this method, over grace and forgiveness, someone is destroyed. Yet, let me tell you that I absolutely understand, and can sympathize with the questions that bombard your mind at how letting the behavior go on under your roof, and what might happen to the innocent (like other children in the home). This is something that I had to wrestle with over and over and over again with their father, and then, after the divorce, with one of my children who was the hardest hit by the divorce and their dad’s leaving, marrying his high school girlfriend, and living a lifestyle that he always preached against.

There is no way for me to describe how often I felt like applying tough love because I just wanted it all to stop! Yet, before I do anything, I have learned to continually seek the Lord. It was He, alone, who kept me from doing what might have felt good at the time but would later have caused more heartache and destruction than what I inevitably lived (and am living through). Instead of reacting, or ignoring, or talking about what was going on, I chose, instead, to give it to the Lord—time, after time, after time, after time!

Then, I replaced the harshness, which was trying to come out, with love, since the promises of love are so powerful. For the Lord to tell us that “it never fails” is a promise that I often need; therefore, when I don’t know what to do, I apply love. Not tough love, but patience, kindness, goodness and everything else that is wonderful. The results were magic—the supernatural that most of us miss.

When you are assailed with evil, Jesus told us plainly, that we were not to resist it. And going beyond non-resistance, we were to bless. That is what the Bible tells us to do because something amazing happens: you live in peace. Inside and outside is peace with no trace of pain, or bitterness (which is pain that goes into your spirit). It is like a healing balm that I have learned to run to when anyone hurts me.

“It’s All My Fault”

These are the words that I said that brought out the goodness in my two oldest boys that opened my eyes to the power of taking the blame, and responsibility rather than forcing my boys to take it. The situation was this: I had found out that they both had read a book that was all the rage at the time. It was a Christian book, but the very first chapter hurt and offended me. It spoke lightly of a man; I believe he was a pastor (for sure he was a Christian), who imagined himself with a woman who was not his wife. For most mothers, they would not have had a problem with it. Remember, it was a Christian fiction and most of the nation’s Christians were reading it; however, it was not something that I felt my boys would ever read knowing the pain that adultery causes (I ministered to women every day and lived through it myself).

When I found out I asked them to come into the room. Their father was there as well, but I don’t remember him saying anything. I started by asking them about it, and they confessed to reading it. Then I told them that it was all my fault. They were more than startled, and in some way, so was I. Yet, once the words were out of my mouth— I could sense Jesus all over that place. Lifting the burden of shame and condemnation and replacing it with forgiveness by taking the sin on myself, the boys broke into tears and gratefulness (they were in their early twenties at the time).

This is what Jesus does for sinners—He takes their burden, bringing us to our knees with gratitude.

If your son, or daughter, or husband is in sin, you have the ability to take the blame, lifting the burden of shame, condemnation, and undo guilt that is weighing them down. When you are the one throwing the blame, shame, and condemning your loved one, you are simply the spokesperson for the enemy whose nature it is to accuse. Accusing is ugly and damaging, and what is often at the root of your relationship’s destruction. You are waiting for them to do what is right, when it is YOU who have the power to break the chains that has your son, daughter, or husband bound, but you refuse to use that power.

Once I learned this powerful secret, I have found that using it is life changing, and what is more, it brings me to the awesome and mind-blowing power of forgiveness. Each time I use it, in big or small situations, I feel this sense of wonder at the God who sent His son so that we could be forgiven: so powerful, so incredibly beyond what we can fathom, that it can pass us by without our even realizing the magnitude of such a gift.

This gift is what I choose to give to all my offenders. It is not something that I reserve for my family only—but am willing to bestow on anyone who does me wrong. This gift is limitless, and only increases the more we use it. Sadly, because of PRIDE so few Christians will stoop that low, and therefore, miss one of the greatest powers and kindest gifts that exists.

Testimony: Repented and Wrapped in Love!

I am a member of your Restoration Fellowship and have been for quite some time. A friend recently reminded me of my neglect in praising God for my blessings.

At Christmas, this same friend let her own mouth become the cause of some "destruction" in her restoration path - and she was looking for some encouragement. I told her the story of my own husband, who left me on Christmas Eve. (I had always loved Christmas and now the sight of colored lights makes me want to throw up; however, I am being healed from this as years go by).

Through RMI's teaching of God's word, I quickly learned that this was to be the most important Christmas present of my life! The world saw a husband abandon his wife, but they did not see the contentious horror of a wife he was running from. Thank you RMI and Praise Jesus for showing me that log in my eye.

Even though my husband and I are now wonderfully restored, the devil tries to remind me of that awful night, starting when the decorations go up in the stores. He reminds me that my husband has never said he was sorry for the hurt – blah, blah, blah.

The first Christmas after he had been gone for one year, it took all I had to put up the lights for the kids. I had to buy new ones because I threw the prior year’s tree into the woods with the lights still on it! The next year, I foolishly wanted him to know how badly he had hurt me—he didn't even remember that he left on Christmas Eve, but that was because I had been praying Psalm 9:6 that he would forget that night! He was already spending more time with us than he was away from us. And as far as I knew, he had not had contact with the OW for months. He was almost home and we had a wonderful Christmas.

Unfortunately, I let my flesh take over as I mention/remind him of what he had done—oh, how our mouth can kill and destroy! My words drove him right back into the arms of the OW and into a spiritual battle— the likes of which I never want to see again. I repented and wrapped myself in the arms of Jesus.
In the midst of my nightmare, I dove back into His Word and learned to step out and just "believe" that our marriage was going to be restored. Whatever happened along the way did not matter!! Two months later, he was home for good, and four months later, we were restored!

I am nothing special and I messed up a lot more than this. I will not share all the other details for fear it may plant seeds of destruction in my life and/or yours. I will just say that God did for me, He wants to do for you!!! There is hope and His name is Jesus.

This Christmas, my husband surprised me with a very big, "real" diamond wedding ring. He said, "Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and this ring is a symbol of our new life together!"

I never had a real ring before, and it pleased him so much to please me! God is so merciful and full of grace!

My husband went onto say that he planned to become a better servant of God, and a better husband and father. These are the exact prayers I have prayed and believed God for—for years.

Ladies, He is just waiting for you to let Him be God, OBEY and BELIEVE!

~ Michelle

Personal commitment: to take the blame. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to take the blame, allow Him to carry the burden for the sin committed. I will focus my attention on wrapping myself in His love, brought to my knees with gratitude.”