RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel

Chapter 1

"One Foot In, One Foot Out"

I always enjoyed going to church. My parents always shared about God, His love, and His presence in our lives. Always giving thanks and asking for His will to be done. They did what was taught to them and it continued with us, their children. It was what they knew and it was what I knew, we lived what I would call a normal life until the very young age of 8.

I saw things change. I don’t remember much but bits and pieces. One vivid memory was my dad crying on the stair, angry and hurt. I wanted to comfort him the same way he had done for me before, but nothing I did helped. He made fists with his hands, hitting the stairs as he groaned with pain. I had never seen him like that. He had suffered a massive heart attack sometime before so my brothers joined me begging him to stop and to please calm down. We were all crying uncontrollably, afraid his heart would give out, that is how intense that moment was. My mom was upstairs, and I knew she could hear everything. Why wasn’t she with us helping my dad? Instead, all I heard was her say, “Just leave him alone, he will be fine, he is just trying to make a scene.” This was no intentional scene, it was not in my dad’s character to act like this. What I experienced was a man whose heart was shattered and broken. At the time, I didn’t know the details just that things were not ok between my mom and dad. They split up and I moved from the only house I knew as home, to an apartment not too far away. My mom had another “friend” come around, he was very nice and I saw my dad on the weekends. I loved spending time with him and I don’t remember being sad since they both seemed happy, or at least it was what they showed me. I just went with the flow.

I prayed, did all my religious classes, and everything asked of me to be a good catholic girl. I loved music, acting, and singing. It made me happy and came naturally. I remember washing dishes looking out the window and I started singing a song that I came up with for God. I quickly got a piece of paper and wrote the words down. The chorus read, “and You're all I need”. One year later I moved to a new state, a new school far from my dad. Now I would see him only in the summer. I missed him so much but I grew a little older and my heart searched for love in the wrong places.

I was not the easiest teenager but I didn’t know any other way than what I saw and was surrounded by. At around 13 I went to a retreat and it was amazing. I didn’t want it to end. All I kept saying is that I wanted to do good. I came out happy and determined, but I didn’t understand grace. On my first mistake, I was sure God was mad at me and I gave up. I said, “this is too hard and I can never be good enough.” Throughout God was always “around”. I met a guy at the age of 14 who introduced me to Christian music. I met him at a church group my mom would take me to. The artist was Amy Grant and I loved all her songs and bought all her “cassettes” (LOL, technology has changed so much and so fast). But even then I had one hand in church and the rest of me in the world. I did what was considered normal and seemed like so much fun, so I went with the flow. I continued to make many mistakes and be hurt by many people I trusted. My life was a whirlwind but as I look back, God always held on to me by a thread as I call it, and He never let go. It just seems so crazy how I lived with Him being “around” but not for Him. I had my own agenda, so at that time, I came to a realization that this was the best I was going to get, a little of both worlds.

I met Marco at 15 and we loved hanging out together with my friends. One of my very good friends was named Eli and her mom was one of the holiest people or at least that was how I saw her. I say this because she was always sweet and a home caretaker. Always had the Christian channel on her TV. All she shared about was God’s love and prayed for us. I never saw this before but ultimately didn’t think anything of it then, just another way of God being “present” in my life. Eli and my other friends were just like everyone else. The only difference I saw with Eli was that she had more rules to follow and came from a strict household, nothing more.

At about 17 Eli invited me to a small group from her church. I went to a home where we met and a message was shared. We had finished and we were about to leave when the leader asked for all of us (about 10) to hold hands in a circle to pray. Well, this was different for me but I just went along. Then the leader asked, “is there anyone here who hasn’t received Jesus in their heart?” In my mind, I questioned myself. I opened just one eye to see what the others were doing. I think the leader sensed some confusion. I thought to myself, I had been part of the church my whole life and no one ever asked me this question, nor did I know what it meant. I KNOW God and He was present in my life. I was baptized as a baby, did my Holy Communion, and Confirmation, and even had a Precious Moment Bible. I went to church a lot more than others I knew. So what did he mean?? These thoughts all raced in my head so quickly when so graciously and patiently he just started explaining about being saved and if I wanted to, then repeat this prayer so I could have Jesus in my heart. Well what harm could it do, so I said YES!

I said the prayer repeating it after him and something instantly changed inside of me. Some say it takes “time” to feel something but not with me, I felt it right away. It was like something had lifted and I felt light with an unexplainable JOY!! I was so excited, but I didn’t know for WHAT, just excited. I knew for sure, I didn’t want this feeling to end.

I shared what I had experienced with others but no one really understood, at least those that surrounded me. I was walking on the clouds, always smiling, and with this urge to have more of God. So, I did what I thought would show this new feeling. I bought a religious necklace called a scapulary. It meant a lot to me because my dad always wore it and he was the closest person I knew to show me unconditional love so to me he was the closest to God. My life started changing and doing good became easier and easier turning into more of a joy than a burden.

At that time I was in a relationship with Marco but it was a long-distance one. He had to move back to New York and I scheduled a trip to go visit him. I did this often and I was excited to share with him this newfound joy I was feeling. I didn’t understand it nor what I was supposed to do with it, but I knew it was God and I was determined this time to hold on and not let go.

I arrived and of course, I was so happy to see him. We had a special connection. We were in love and had so much fun together. He was like my best friend. I felt safe with him, but what did I know about love or life, I was barely 17.

At our first moment alone I shared with him my whole new experience. As most girls do, I shared all the details, every single one in the hopes he could feel like he was right there next to me experiencing it with me. I remember sitting on the bed in his room telling him the joy I felt, walking on clouds, and wanting to do right with God. All was great until it came down to intimacy. Then everything fell apart. There was no compromise or changing his mind. We had been intimate before and no matter what I shared about wanting to abstain, he was not having it. My heart broke and I knew at that moment I had to make a decision. Little did I know that this decision would bring so much future heartache as well.

I grabbed the one thing that represented God to me at that moment, the necklace around my neck. I grabbed it so tightly as we started to kiss. I was having a raging war inside of me and it was one of the hardest things I did up to that point in my life. I wasn’t tempted to be intimate with Marco. I knew God lived in me and gave me the strength to abstain, but I was not able to let go of Marco and our relationship. I wanted him in my life so instead, I took the necklace off and forced myself to give in to what he wanted so we could stay together.

That day I rejected God and put Marco first. Writing about it now, I could only imagine how I shattered God’s heart into pieces. I went back to the old me, living my life as before. God was present but no longer with that fire I had for Him. I know my heart broke also but the physical “love” I was experiencing with Marco overcame what I couldn’t see or understand fully at the time. Thank God for grace and unconditional love because even though I turned my back on Him, He never left my side.