RYR 3 “The Potter and the Clay”

When we are going through a relationship crisis, it is so easy to focus on what the other person is doing and how what they are doing is affecting us. However, as long as we focus on the other person, rather than focusing on the Lord, we continue to struggle and never reach the restoration that was meant to be ours.

In this chapter we will learn that God usually does not change the other person (their attitude or behavior) because God is using the things that the other person is doing as the Potter’s wheel while His hands are molding us more into His image, and all the while He is also drawing us closer to Him.

Don’t think that by forcing the other person to move out, move back in, or any other detail, that it will make things better.  You will find that something else will just flare up in its place. You will see that the more we complain because we would rather He use something else—not our relationship, not our job, not our finances, and not any other situation; AND the more we plead that He use someone else—not our husbands, not our children, not our parents or our boss—as His wheel—the longer we will find ourselves wandering in this desert land of frustration or despair!

Who would quarrel with his Maker? Here is what God says, “‘Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker’—an earthenware vessel among the vessels of earth! Will the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you doing?’ or the thing you are making say, ‘He has no hands’?” (Isa. 45:9). Why not let God be God. Instead of complaining about “how” or “whom” He uses to irritate us, or break us, into finally seeking God alone who can change us—praise Him for His faithfulness toward us! He is determined to create each of us as a beautiful vessel ready for His use, for “who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, ‘Why did you make me like this,’ will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?” (Rom. 9:20-22).

But you don’t understand. Many women tell me as I try to comfort or encourage them that I “just don’t understand!” In many ways I do understand, and yet they are right that no one except Jesus really understands how they feel or what exactly they are going through, “Shall the potter be considered as equal with the clay, that what is made would say to its maker, . . . ‘He has no understanding’?” (Isa. 29:16). Talk to the Lord about your situation, sharing with Him every emotion and struggle you are dealing with—allow Him to give you peace. He knows what’s best for you, so just give it all to Him, day-by-day, moment-by-moment.

You are in His hand. “‘Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand . . .’” (Jer. 18:6). Isn’t it comforting to know that you and the other person are in God’s hands? Though your husband may tell you that he doesn’t care, or your son or daughter or boss treat you as if he or she doesn’t care, your Lord does love you ever so deeply. Who else do you really need? And remember this, love—true love never fails. Though they reject your love now, patience, not pursuing will eventually turn their hearts back. Just keep silent, focus on the Lord, and hide your heart deeply inside His.

God’s Prescription

God has a prescription for healing a nation, a family or any relationship. He says if “My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin, and will heal their land” (2 Chron. 7:14).

God told us that if we would humble ourselves, if we simply pray, if we would choose to seek His face and not His hand (what He can do for us) and turn from our wicked ways, then He will hear—hear, forgive, and heal our situation. Instead, we foolishly “walk in the counsel of the wicked” (Ps. 1:1) and “trust in mankind” “making flesh our strength” (Jer. 17:5), so now we suffer the consequences—superficial healing! “The brokenness of His people is healed superficially” (Jer. 8:11). “And they have healed the brokenness of My people superficially, saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ but there is no peace” (Jer. 6:14). By feeding our flesh, and accepting the world’s ways, we put a bandage over our cancer while it consumes us (and our lives).

Instead, we are to die to self. “And He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf” (2 Cor. 5:15). Die to your “self”—what you want and what you need. Instead, tell the Lord that HE is all you want and all you need. Then watch your life come alive and your relationship resurrected from the dead.

Only the Humble

If you continue to argue with the other person, you have only proven that you are full of pride. The proud believes that he or she is right, and that the other person is wrong. Taking the full responsibility, not just your part or half, is true humility. Once you take the full blame and responsibility for the conflict, you can then take it to Jesus who has already paid the price!

Only the humble will be exalted. “He has brought down rulers from their thrones, and has exalted those who were humble” (Luke 1:52).

Humility will be tested. “. . . He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not” (Deut. 8:2).

Humility will save you. “When you are cast down, you will speak with confidence and the humble person He will save” (Job 22:29).

Humility will strengthen your heart. “O Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear . . .  (Ps. 10:17).

Only the humble will be given the grace that they need. “But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, ‘GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.’ Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you” (James 4:6, 10).

Humility is rooted in the spirit. “To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit . . .  (1 Pet. 3:8). Don’t let false humility take hold of you, by sporting a self-righteous attitude. This shows up in when you begin to think that you are doing everything right, and the other person is doing everything wrong.

Spiritual arrogance. Over half of the women who come to our ministry for help to restore their relationships exhibit spiritual arrogance or self-righteousness. This is what I began to refer to as a “Pharisee spirit.” Ladies, this is so dangerous for many reasons. First, it will prevent God from moving your relationship toward restoration, and often it is what is really driving your husband or son or daughter away.

But what is worse, is that God showed me, in His Word, that Jesus was only harsh, critical, and opposed to one set of individuals—the Pharisees! And I found that I was one of them! I am sorry to say that there are far too many Christian women who pretend to be spiritual on the outside but are filthy on the inside. There are so many women who look at their husband’s, son’s, or daughter’s sins, yet neglect to look at the log in their own eye. Ladies, this was me! I saw my husband and his sin of adultery (the first time he left me); however, no one could see my contentiousness, my deceitfulness, or my spiritual arrogance (until God used it to break me).

Others saw me (and I saw myself) as the “poor victim” who had been abandoned and cheated on. But I, in my self-righteousness, was willing to forgive. I was the one desperately trying to hold our broken family together. I was the one waiting, with open arms, to forgive my husband, “the sinner,” when he came to his senses, by repenting and coming back home from the pig sty! Yes, I was a Scribe, a Pharisee, and a “white-washed tomb”!!

If you can identify with this sinful and prideful mind-set, if this is you, I would beg you to get on your face before God and ask Him to cleanse you from this attitude that will not only inhibit restoration in any of your relationships, but will also put you in opposition to a sincere and intimate relationship with the Lord.

Next, pray. “If . . . My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray . . .” (2 Chron. 7:13–16). Praying means spending time with God. Prayer is not repeating a list of what you want God to do for you. It is within this kind of intimacy with our Beloved that we find joy since “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

Begin by praying Psalm 51:2–4: “Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against Thee, Thee only, I have sinned, and done what is evil in Thy sight, So that Thou art justified when Thou dost speak, and blameless when Thou dost judge.” Then…

Seek His face. “If . . . My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray, and seek My face . . .  (2 Chron. 7:14). “Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually” (1 Chron. 16:11). “. . . seek My face; in their affliction they will earnestly seek Me” (Hosea 5:15).

They were radiant. “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed” (Ps. 34:5). As you seek His face, you, too, will be radiant! So many seek His hand (what He can do for me, me, me), but for those who seek the face of God, they will inherit all things! Finally…

Turn from your wicked ways. “If . . . My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray, and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways . . .” (2 Chron. 7:13). Scripture verses are not only for the head; more importantly, they are for the heart and the will. To get the real impact of Scripture, we must surrender our lives and our wills to the leading of the Spirit. We must be willing to be made over. We must yield to Him and turn from the wickedness of our ways. Don’t compare what your son or daughter or husband is doing to justify secret sin that you are deeply in. Remember, just the act of you judging yourself as better than another is the spirit of a Pharisee, pride.

To obey is better than sacrifice. “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry” (1 Sam. 15:22). Rather than doing what God is telling you to do, we often choose to sacrifice, which is nothing more than out and out rebellion. “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin” (James 4:17).

Walk in the Spirit. Being filled with the Holy Spirit will enable you to walk in the Spirit, freeing us from sin and our fleshly desires. Ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit right now! It’s a gift, just as salvation is a gift; therefore you cannot earn it, nor do you have to work for it. Just ask. “And I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances” (Ezek. 36:27). “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh” (Gal. 5:16).

What “Condition” Is Needed to Be Heard?

Conform your desires to His will. Jesus’ promises are based on this condition: “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you” (John 15:7). When your heart rests in Jesus alone and your will is centered in His will, you are truly making Him Lord of your life. And to know His will is to know His Word.

Do you know for sure that it is His will that your relationship be healed and restored? God says that He hates divorce (so don’t seek a divorce), and also, that we are to be reconciled with those whom we are at odds with; however, He has conditions to His promises.

The condition for every blessing. Each promise given by God has a condition for that blessing. Many will “claim” a portion of the Scripture, yet omit the conditions or simply overlook them.

Condition: “Believe on the Lord Jesus . . .”

Promise: “. . . and you shall be saved” (Acts 16:31).

 

Condition: “Delight yourself in the Lord . . .”

Promise: “. . . and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4).

 

Condition: “Train up a child in the way he should go . . .”

Promise: “. . . even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6).

 

Condition: First, “to those who love God. . .to those who are called according to His purpose.”

Promise: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good . . .” (Rom. 8:28.) 

Your Tears Are Precious to Him

To whom do we cry? Have you noticed how men in particular, including our sons (and maybe even daughters) hate our tears? Truthfully their aloofness is often due to their not knowing what to do when a woman cries, or what is probably more accurate—because females like to use their tears to manipulate the situation.

The fact that God is a jealous God and our tears belong to Him could also be the reason for their indifference, at times, to our tears. “Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am’” (Isa. 58:9). “Do not cease to cry to the Lord our God for us . . .” (1 Sam. 7:8).

Restoration in our relationship may take time to manifest itself; therefore we must act on what we believe rather than the things that we see—no longer looking for signs of improvement. Restoration needs our faith and trust in the Lord. Cry to Him alone, not to anyone else! Only God has the power to change your situation! No friend, counselor, pastor or parent can do that.

My tears. “I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears” (Ps. 6:6). “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long” (Ps. 42:3). “Put my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?” (Ps. 56:8). “Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting” (Ps. 126:5). “‘Yet even now,’ declares the Lord, ‘Return to Me with all your heart, and with fasting, weeping, and mourning . . .’” (Joel 2:12).

Continue to renew your mind and heart. You must take the time to find and write down Scriptures (on your 3x5 cards) that will help renew your mind. As you read through the Bible or through this book or through a promise book, mark the verses that touch your heart and move your spirit, write them down on your cards, and then read them out loud every day to the Lord. Faith in your situation will come from hearing His promises to you as you read them. “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ” (Rom. 10:17).

And we also have this promise when we read His word to Him, “So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it” (Isa. 55:11).

Spend your time wisely. We are told to pray, to cry out to God, to spend time in intimacy with Him. Don’t neglect what will ultimately change you and your relationship.

And to find a greater walk and intimacy with the Lord, visit our website first thing in the morning for our Daily Devotional, My Beloved, written especially for women who are in a relationship crisis.

Personal commitment: to allow God to change me. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to allowing God to change me through whatever means or through whomever He chooses. I will focus my attention on developing my relationship with the Lord rather than on the other people or situations God is using to change and mold me.”