RYR 2 “Trust and Obey”

Chapter 2

Trust and Obey

 

Who is among you that fears the LORD,

That obeys the voice of His servant,

That walks in darkness and has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.

—Isaiah 50:10

 

If you are like many women who want restoration in their lives, you must not only trust that only God can restore your relationship, but you must also obey His Word. When you read this book, it might help you to remember that the book you are reading was written by someone who was desperate—desperate to follow God’s Word no matter what!! How about you? Are you willing to follow God’s Word, no matter what it costs? No matter how much it hurts? The question you must ask yourself is: “How desperate am I?”, or “How important is restoration in my life?”

Receive anything. If you don’t obey God with zealous obedience, you should expect nothing from Him—because God says that you are double-minded. “For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:7–8). “I hate those who are double-minded, but I love Your law” (Ps. 119:113). Don’t say one thing one minute, and then act like it is not going to happen.

Faith by my works. If you say you have the faith to trust God for your relationship, then act on it. “What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith, but he has no works? Can that faith save him? . . . But someone may well say, ‘You have faith, and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works’” (James 2:14, 18). There are so many testimonies of those who chose to “believe” instead of obeying. Every one of them is still “believing” for their restoration, but unfortunately they are still not restored!

Tear it out, and throw it from you. Again, how important is your desire to find restoration? Are you desperate enough to do whatever it takes? If you don’t believe God calls us to that kind of obedience, look at what Jesus said in Matthew 5:29–30: “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.”

Throughout the entire fifth chapter of Matthew, Jesus calls us to a higher obedience than what had been written in the Old Testament. Read it to get motivated to the point that you obey like a fanatic. If what you are doing right now does not seem crazy to others, you need to become more radical in your commitment to the Lord and in your obedience to Him and His Word, because, Beloved, that’s what it takes!

We all must be like Peter in our obedience. Each time he was asked to do something, like allowing Jesus to wash his feet, he went overboard! He even went overboard when Jesus asked him to get out of the boat. He was the only one who followed Jesus with such a zealous commitment. Even so, Jesus rebuked Peter for his lack of faith (Matt. 14:31). Are you lukewarm? “So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth” (Rev. 3:16).

Trust and believe that God is able and wants to restore and rebuild you, your relationship, and your family. If you are seeking restoration for your marriage, let me be right upfront with you—God does not have any other person out there for you, nor does he think you’ve married the wrong person. His Word says, “For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning her husband. So then, if while her husband is living she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress though she is joined to another man” (Rom. 7:2–3).

If you are thinking about remarriage, not only does God call it adultery as you have just read, but you should also know this—your second marriage has less than a 20 percent chance of survival! You have an 8 out of 10 chance of going through another painful divorce! Then it’s on to numbers three and four. Stop now at whatever number you are on. There is a better way!

Instead, “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord” (Ps. 27:14; see also Isa. 35:4). “O give us help against the adversary, for deliverance by man is in vain. Through God we shall do valiantly, and it is He who will tread down our adversaries” (Ps. 60:11). See also Psalm 108:12, and please read “I Hate Divorce” in our Wise Woman book and also read our book Facing Divorce, Again for more knowledge. Both are available to read on our website for free.

Don’t run to others about your situation. Run to God—search His Word for your answer. “. . . Seek and you will find . . .” (Matt. 7:7, Luke 11:9). “He is the Mighty Counselor” (Isa. 9:6). “Do not walk in the counsel of the ungodly” (Ps. 1:1). And please save yourself a lot of hurt and confusion—don’t tell others or talk to others about your situation: “May a slanderer not be established in the earth” (Ps. 140:11).

“For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt. 12:37). “A slanderer separates intimate friends” (Prov. 16:28; see also Prov. 17:9.) Read “Kindness on Her Tongue” in A Wise Woman for more knowledge. Such knowledge is not optional but essential since “My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge” (Hos. 4:6).

It might help to ask God for a female prayer partner who will believe God with you for your restoration. If it’s marriage restoration that you seek, stay away from singles groups!! You do not belong there if it is your desire to have God restore your marriage! Simply stay away from any and all “support groups” that are too often nothing more than “pity parties.” If you want a restored marriage, don’t attend a divorce recovery group that will encourage you to move on and find someone new. You have to choose now whether you want hope or closure with your marriage.

To get started in your restoration (whether that be with a family member, coworker or someone else you are seeking restoration with), instead of joining a support group we strongly suggest that you pray and ask the Lord for just one other woman who will walk through this with you. All I had during my first restoration was one other person and the Lord. So, all you need is one other person and the Lord! And truthfully, all you really need is the Lord alone; He is the One who helped me through all my other relationship restorations. If you are alone in your pursuit, you can find an ePartner (encouragement partner) who understands what you are going through on our website when you become a member.

Stop all arguing! This one principle will be a deciding factor as to whether your relationship will be restored. There are so many Scriptures on this topic, pages and pages I could type out for you. Here are just a few: “Agree with your adversary quickly!” (Matt. 5:25, KJV). “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). “The beginning of strife is like letting out of water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (Prov. 17:14). “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise . . .” (Prov. 17:28). STOP talking to the other person about the problems in your relationship—just be quiet, and if you must say something, say something kind!

“She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov. 31:26). “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel” (Prov. 20:3). And, “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom” (Prov. 18:1). Have you been a contentious and argumentative woman? Then read “A Contentious Woman,” and “Won Without a Word” in A Wise Woman for more knowledge, especially if this is a weakness in your life, as it was in mine. Refuse to argue with your husband, your child, your mother, your sister or your boss—instead, agree and watch each one of your relationships immediately improve! Even if what they say is unkind about you—agree!! Each time you try to defend yourself, rather than simply swallowing your pride and agreeing, you are encouraging further division.

Remove the hate or hurt; then try to look lovingly into your loved one’s eyes. “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed” (Ps. 34:5). “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted” (Matt. 23:12, Luke 14:11, Luke 18:14). Peter asked how many times he should forgive his brother who sinned against him. “Seven times?” he suggested. But Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt. 18:22). That’s 490 times! Have you decided not to forgive what this person has done to you (or to your children or to your career)? The lack of forgiveness is extremely dangerous. (For more knowledge, read the section entitled “Forgiveness” in the chapter “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit” in A Wise Woman.)

You must begin to see this person as God sees them. You need to first forgive everyone and anyone (even any person who may be involved with this person with whom you are seeking restoration). This includes family members, close friends, co-workers who may have taken the job you deserved—everyone—even the other woman in your husband’s life! Once you have released this person through forgiveness, you will be ready to pray for the person God wants them to be. Stop looking at the bad things your son, or husband, or daughter, or boss, or your neighbor is doing. Replace those thoughts with asking God to show you the good this person is doing and especially the good they have done in the past. (Once again, see the section entitled “Forgiveness” in the chapter “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit” in the book A Wise Woman to learn more about the dangers of not forgiving no matter what your reason.) 

Thank God for these things, and be sure to take the time to thank this person when he or she calls or comes by to see you. If your husband has left you, or your son or daughter has moved out in anger—don’t call them! But if you have left your husband, or ordered him or one of your children out of the house, you must call that person and ask for his or her forgiveness. This point is critical! The longer you wait, the greater the possibility of adultery in marriage, or immorality with your son or daughter, if it hasn’t occurred already. (Please read the testimonies on our website and in all our By the Word of Their Testimony books, which provide evidence of how these very principles worked in the lives of women who followed them in their marriages. These principles also work beautifully for a wayward son or daughter.)

Once you have repented, then you must be very careful and do not keep repenting. Repenting repeatedly will prove to be counterproductive. Whether or not the other person accepts your apology is not the point—you are repenting out of humility and obedience to God, nothing more. Be careful not to get angry, or hurt, if the conversation does not go according to your plan. It is always God’s plan we are seeking, not our own. Try these words, “You’re right, I am wrong.”

Speak kindly and lovingly to your wayward loved one when you have an opportunity to talk with him or her. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Prov. 16:24). “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22, Prov. 18:14). You don’t have to be joyful about your relationship and its problems; just be joyful that God has them all under His control. “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness” (Heb. 12:11).

Don’t listen to gossip or anyone who tries to give you bad reports about those whom you love. Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . .” (1 Cor. 13:7–8). Maybe your husband says he’s not involved with another woman, yet you know he is. Nevertheless, you must choose to believe him. You’re not being stupid or naive; you are expressing unconditional or God’s love that “believes all things.” This goes for your son or daughter, boss, or closest friend. Why choose to believe something that hurts? Choose to believe the goodness in others to find that “peace that surpasses all understanding!”

Often we find that it is actually someone in your family or one of your closest friends who try to persuade you to pursue divorce or to force your son or daughter to move out. You must separate yourself from those who attempt to lead you astray from God’s plan (by feeding your flesh and emotions). We who have experienced restoration have seen that this seems to be God’s way of getting you back on track, as these verses prove. “Leave the presence of a fool or you will not discern words of knowledge” (Prov. 14:7). “He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip” (Prov. 20:19). If you slander (speak behind their back) those in your life whom you want restoration with, others will slander them also, so keep quiet about what is going on! “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy . . .” (Ps. 101:5). Therefore, once again, keep quiet about these issues in your life and share them only with the Lord.

If you are getting too much pressure and advice from others, it is likely to be due to your sharing the details with others, rather than telling them to the Lord in your prayer closet. Too much advice or pressure (that is contrary to the will and the Word of God will), once again, will cause you double or triple the heartache! Ultimately it will arouse self-pity or anger in you, which will lead to you doing something that will make your situation worse! These emotions (of self-pity or anger) are of the flesh and will war against your spirit. God says in Galatians 5:17, “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.”

Listening, discussing, or seeking counsel for your situation will also bring in confusion, since most Christians and trained counselors do not really know the Word of God. Even pastors may advise you to do something that is contrary to God’s Word! Unless they have “walked on the same water,” they may disregard or minimize God’s principles when you desperately need the entire uncompromised Word of God to save this relationship! Until I chose to follow God only, I watched as each “suggestion” from someone else (including well-known pastors) resulted in more and more destruction.

The more people who know about your situation, the more unasked for and contrary advice you will receive. In addition, you will have to deal with their emotions of anger or hurt on top of your own. Instead, remain quiet about your situation. Wait until your family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers ask you what is going on—then pray and ask God to give you the correct response, one that will be short and uplifting, and that will not result in you pouring out your heart or venting your anger. Understand too, that you are under no obligation to answer questions and to give details. This has become commonplace on television that and has helped to destroy countless lives.

Do not try to find out what the other person is up to. This means making the mistake of following them or doing any kind of snooping. If you do suspect there is someone else in your husband’s life, or you know that there is someone that your son or daughter is involved with, then do what God says: “Let your eyes look directly in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established” (Prov. 4:25). “Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught” (Prov. 3:25–26). And again, remember—love “believes all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). So don’t search through your son’s drawers or your daughter’s purse either.

Do not, do not, do not confront others or anyone who is involved! This is exactly what the enemy wants you to do. It is a net that the enemy has left to destroy you. I, like so many other women, fell into this trap by confronting the OW (other woman) my husband was involved with. Don’t do it! You may satisfy your flesh, but the consequences will destroy you and any feelings that your husband may still have for you. Don’t talk to the OW over the phone or in person, even if she demands it. Don’t foolishly send her an email or letter telling her that you forgive her. This is not God. It’s the devil playing on your self-righteousness.

In other relationships, don’t call your children’s friends or confront your children about what is going on, especially when their friends are with them.

So often, women wrongly believe that they should confront others, because they believe that the other person “shouldn’t get away with it!” Women who confront (especially those who have confronted their husbands) out of ignorance, as I did, have written to tell me how much they regret it! They all have shared that it resulted in many horrible consequences! Please don’t be like Eve who went ahead and did what she knew she shouldn’t, especially now that you know what not to do!

There are many reasons, but the most important reason is because once sin is out in the open, trust me, it will be flaunted in front of your face, and you will lose the advantage that God has given you if He has shown you that “something” is going on. Remember, love “believes all things . . . ” (1 Cor. 13:7), so believe what that person has told you and leave it alone.

You must remember at all times that there is a spiritual war going on. As in all wars, it is foolish and dangerous to let the enemy know what you know. No battle in the Bible was ever won by revealing inside information from the Lord! Nor does it tell us to reveal enemy movements. Instead, the Bible warns us to fight this as a spiritual war! First Timothy 1:18 says to “fight the good fight.” “We do not war according to the flesh” (2 Cor. 10:3). We are told instead to “be of sober spirit [which literally means wake up], be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Pet. 5:8).

Your loved ones are unknowingly playing into the hands of the enemy, as his slaves, to destroy their lives (first and foremost), although this often spills over to your life: your marriage, your children, your future, or your reputation. “Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?” (Rom. 6:16). To win this war, you must be a slave of righteousness—this means, don’t confront or challenge another person about his or her sin or what you believe (or know) is going on!! Leave it in the hands of the Lord to battle for you, while you spend your time and energy creating a deeper intimacy with the Lord, trusting Him rather than saying or doing things that you shouldn’t.

Do not try to find out where your husband, son, or daughter is if he or she hasn’t given you his or her whereabouts! This is God’s protection for you! Be quiet; be still. Go into your prayer closet and begin to gain an intimate relationship with the Lord. God can turn any heart, but you will harden it if you openly reveal mistrust, suspicion, and jealousy with confrontations, arguments, and snooping. “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). When you act irrationally with your son or daughter or husband, it only confirms that whatever they have done or are doing is justified.

And when you act inappropriately with your husband, the other woman he is involved with will appear to be the one he should choose to be with—not you! This goes for your son or daughter too. Everyone, when pushed, will protect and defend their adulteress or boyfriend or girlfriend when his wife or his or her mother verbally (or physically) attacks that other person they are involved with. Be quiet and seek that gentle spirit that not only is precious in the sight of God, but also in the sight of a husband, son or daughter, or a boss or coworker! (These principles are laid out in A Wise Woman—please take time to go through that book at least three times to renew your mind in God’s Word.)

A woman who is kind, loving, and always there with a encouraging word, will be a magnet to everyone, including those whom she had previously driven away.

Don’t act hastily in any decision. If you are in the midst of a relationship crisis, you are not thinking clearly, and you are most certainly acting on emotion rather than wisdom. “And he who makes haste with his feet errs” (Prov. 19:2). “The prudent man considers his steps” (Prov. 14:15). “There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death” (Prov. 16:25, Prov. 14:12). “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Prov. 29:20).

“The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord” (Prov. 16:33). “A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil” (Prov. 14:16). Don’t quickly run to get legal injunctions or set up counseling—these acts of man will destroy you and your relationship. Don’t hurry to make changes like setting up a “visitation schedule” if you are currently separated. And if things are getting too tough to take, don’t make the mistake of moving out or leaving your home: “She [a harlot] is boisterous and rebellious; her feet do not remain at home” (Prov. 7:11). Don’t follow her ways; I promise that moving out will only create a new and much more difficult set of problems.

Have you gone to your husband, your parents, your pastor, or someone else you thought would help you with your needs, your fears, or your problems—only to have each of them let you down, make things worse, or ultimately reject you? Memorize these Scriptures: “My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory” (Phil. 4:19). “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, yes, wait on the Lord” (Ps. 27:13).

“When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Prov. 16:7). “Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future” (Prov. 31:25). Instead of pleading for help, take this opportunity to thank and praise others. This is God’s way; He calls it contentment. If your restoration is in the area of marriage, there is much more on this topic that everyone who is married should read in the book Facing Divorce, Again that is available for free on our site.

Many find that their problems often stem from a career outside the home. Since God said to wait for things, but if you have moved ahead and bought things on credit, you may have “needed to go to work.” Now your house sits empty while you work, your children are in daycare, your son or daughter are living with friends, and your husband has his own apartment. Remember Satan is a thief, and he loves to divide and to conquer!

All too soon you will lose (or give up) the house that you worked so hard for. Allow God to save your home, your family, and/or your marriage. Remember, God promises that He will provide, so take Him at His Word rather than try to make money. (For more knowledge, read the chapter “The Ways of Her Household,” in A Wise Woman.)

If you are separated, never seek your husband’s help and support with the trials at home. If you are married, there is no better way to drive your husband away from you than to tell him all that is wrong at home and beg him for his help! The reason most men “flee” is because they are running from their problems. Men will not return to a home that is in chaos or come to the rescue of their wife—never! A man who leaves or gets involved with another woman is searching for happiness. If you find help through your “love relationship” with the Lord (as you should) when trouble hits your husband (and it will hit!) then he will instead come running back home to you where there is peace and tranquility!

This same scenario will work in the lives of your children—trouble will soon hit and your home with be their safe haven if you have built a deep intimacy with the Lord and have found peace, and yes, even joy in the midst of your crises. Everyone is drawn to a woman who is joyful despite her troubles. This is only possible when you have a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord and have become a channel of His love. This relationship will eliminate your need to reason with or criticize your son or daughter (which would lead them to leave one bad situation and find a new and more horrible situation, rather than return home for an “I told you so”).

Did you ever encourage your husband, son or daughter to leave? How many of us have known wives or mothers who have been quick to suggest “divorce” or “moving out” in a time of anger or frustration? Look, when you plant bad seeds, how can you be surprised when your husband ends up moving out and falling into adultery, or your son gets himself into trouble with the law, or your daughter ends up dealing with an unplanned pregnancy due to you forcing her to move out. Words have more power than you realize. “But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment” (Matt. 12:36).

If there have been problems like alcohol, drugs, rebellion, pornography, or abuse, don’t add adultery or promiscuity to them! Maybe you wanted them to leave because of the alcohol, drugs, pornography or abuse. Sons or daughters living on their own prematurely lead to many more heart-wrenching experiences than you are living through now. And married men who are out of their homes are considered “single” even though they are not! Separation is the first step toward divorce, and divorce is a life-changing mistake. Throwing a child out of your home is often encouraged by others, even the experts, but they are not the ones who will have to deal with the after-effects of an unloving decision—love is not tough, it is patient and kind. Take a moment to read your Bible to discover the truth about tough love.

Too many women, who are ignorant of the destruction of separation or blind to how devastating tough love can be, advise their friends to tell their husbands to leave or to not allow them to return home. These same women encourage mothers to throw a son or daughter out of their home (since they are not the ones who have to endure the pain it will later cause). Older women, as stated in Titus 2, should teach what is good and encourage younger women to “love their husbands, to love their children...” And once again “love is not tough”! Loving someone who is unlovable is tough to do—love is not acting tough or aggressive towards them. This well-known idea is one of the most destructive ever accepted in the church by ignorant Christians who are paying for its lies and foolishness.

Those who encourage separation based on 1 Corinthians 7:5 should read it carefully. The condition for separation had to be with mutual agreement between the husband and the wife and for the purpose of fasting and prayer. This is later confirmed in 1 Corinthians 7:13 when it goes on to say, “And a woman who has [a believing or] an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away.” There, you now know the truth; therefore live the truth and save yourself undue heartache.

Also, by suggesting that your husband leave, you have taken your first step toward divorce. Isn’t it time to turn around before things go any further? The world and the enemy will try to convince you that a separation or divorce will make things better—what a lie! If that were true, 8 out of 10 people wouldn’t get divorced in that second or subsequent marriage. Once again, the Bible is clear: “. . . a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away” (1 Cor. 7:13). Living the truth leads to life.

If your husband, your son, or your daughter has left you or your home, you must stop pursuing, pleading, or even standing in his or her way. When someone wants to leave, they will only try harder to get away from you or to run to evil when you try to block their way. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners . . .” (Ps. 1:1 NIV). Make sure you learn the huge benefits of enthusiastically getting out of your husband’s way (that will also work for your son or daughter) in our book Facing Divorce, Again. The more enthusiastically you follow God’s principles, the more powerfully they work!

We have heard of ministries who encourage “standers” to continue to pursue the spouse who has left with phone calls, cards, letters, and statements about their “marriage covenant.” This is not scriptural and has caused many to become “standers for life”! This is also true for other family members or anyone who no longer want anything to do with you. The Bible says, “. . . if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). If you won’t let go, friction will continue. Once again, “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners . . . ” (Ps. 1:1 NIV).

Move on. You must let your husband, son or daughter know that he or she is free to leave (based on 1 Cor. 7:15 and Ps. 1:1) and even happily agree to “move on” in your marriage (not to find a new man, but to pursue intimacy with the Lord and the things of God). This will cause a husband to stop running, pursuing divorce, or jumping into another marriage! When told by others, including your husband, to “move on,” enthusiastically agree and eliminate the fighting that will occur the more disagreeable you are. By “moving on” (with the Lord), your life will change and soon your husband will see that living with you would be more desirable than living with the other woman.

This is also true for a mother who has a wayward child. Move on with more and more intimacy with the Lord and let go of your obsession with this relationship. Give your child to God and trust that He will work all things out for good. Anything you try to do, or the obsession you are now living with, is only destroying you and your relationship. Nevertheless, every time that you do have contact with your son or daughter, make sure it is pleasant. Stand back with your heart hidden in the Lord, and treat him or her the way you would want to be treated, with love and kindness, without pursuing or even trying to help (unless you are asked).

But I am already divorced. It’s never too late even if a divorce has taken place. Many “remarry” their former spouses after they have divorced. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). God specifically asked His prophet Hosea to remarry his wife Gomer even after she was blatantly unfaithful to him: “. . . For she is not my wife, and I am not her husband . . .” (Hos. 2:2). “Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now’” (Hos. 2:7). “Then the Lord said to me [Hosea], ‘Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress’” (Hos. 3:1). God used the story of Hosea and Gomer to show His commitment to His own bride (the church) and His strong desire for marriage restoration, even in the most hopeless of marriages.

Don’t allow your family or children to see your pain or anger toward those with whom you would like to be restored. Do all that you can to shield your children, and your family from what is going on in your situation. Sharing with them your trials and troubles will only cause them to have bad feelings toward this other person or even cause them to try to step in to “help.” And please stop blaming. “A wise woman builds her house but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1). The Lord “turns [the heart] wherever He wishes” (Prov. 21:1). Be careful where you turn your family’s hearts, especially your children. “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:6); for “the glory of sons is their fathers” (Prov. 17:6).

The Lord has allowed these trials in your life, your children’s lives, and your family’s lives, for a time, in order to draw you all closer to Him, to accomplish His work in all of you, and then to draw you back together again for His glory! When your troubled loved one is no longer around to blame or to argue with, you can then look to God! When you are closer to Him, He can change you more into His image! “They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed” (Ps. 34:5). However, if your focus is on the other person or that relationship, you will find that you are full of stress and anxiety, which will in turn cause them to want to stay away from you.

Don’t allow anyone to speak badly about those you love. You must demand respect from your children for their father whether they are 5, 15, or 25! “Honor your father and your mother” (Exod. 20:12, Deut. 5:16, Mark 7:10). Again remember, “He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse” (Mal. 4:6). Remember, you will have trouble enforcing respect for their father if you exhibit disrespect for your husband or ex-husband. Again, you will have trouble enforcing respect if you exhibit a lack of control.

Don’t let your family or friends speak about the person with whom you want restoration. This usually occurs because you have shared details that you should have taken only to the Lord. Now is the time to make things right: first ask God for forgiveness; next ask the person’s forgiveness (for speaking against them); ask your family’s forgiveness; and lastly ask your friends’ forgiveness for foolishly planting this destructive seed. “He who conceals his transgression will not prosper” (Prov. 28:13). Then begin to build him or her up in everyone’s eyes (including your own eyes) by choosing to look at and to speak about good things.

Many children vent their anger against their father. Let them do so until it is gone and it uncovers the underlying hurts. When the anger is gone, the pain will be felt—so be sure to teach them to rely on God, the Holy Spirit, for comfort just as you are now doing. This Scripture helped my (then) five-year-old when his father abandoned us; he said over and over, “For He has said ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” (Heb. 13:5).

If your husband has left, your children are confused and are hurting right now, so give them clear directions by how you live your life. This goes for an older sibling who has left the house in anger. It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how you live! Children will not only remain unharmed in the midst of divorce, marriage crisis, or any other family disaster, but they will prosper from it—IF (and only if) their mother’s intimacy with the Lord is apparent.

Christians are to be the Lord’s bride, so take the Lord as your Husband and remember that this also means that your children have a Father who can be with them at all times unlike their natural father. (There are many more specific ways to help your children in the midst of separation and divorce in our books Facing Divorce, Again and Finding the Abundant Life. For more knowledge on training your children, see “Your Mother’s Teachings,” in A Wise Woman. All of our books available FREE on our website.)

Don’t allow your children to become unruly during your crisis. “A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother” (Prov. 29:15). If your entire being is consumed with your restoration and all the crises that go along with it, you will neglect your responsibilities as a mother. When you are looking to the Lord, the peace from within will keep your home running calmly and your children will benefit from it instead of being destroyed because of it.

Be careful not to choose the “easiest” road. Quick solutions may seem like the easiest road, but when you choose to give up and get a divorce, throw your rebellious child out of your home, or you take any legal avenues, they are nothing but foolishness because it always makes the situation worse. Once you act in response to emotions, you have chosen the road to even more sadness, trials, difficulties, and heartache than you are now experiencing.

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matt. 7:13–14). You must look for that narrow way in all your decisions, in the way you speak to others, and in the way you handle the trials that will come your way now and in the future. (Again, there is much more help in the book Facing Divorce, Again.)

We, who have gone through difficult marriages, separation, divorce, and/or wayward children want to warn you against any ideas, books, or other people who will sway you to go the way of the world, which always ends in disaster! If the world is using the same method, as Christians, we know it has to be the wide road to destruction!

Please be careful what you read. The books whose foundation is in philosophy (or those written by psychologists or marriage/family counselors) can fill your mind with ideas that are not scriptural. Having a degree in one of these fields shows a foundation based not on the Bible, but on the sinking sand of psychology. These destructive ideas, which are contrary to God’s principles, will cause your restoration to go backward, not forward.

Dangers of “tough love” and “co-dependency.” Many of us have had to learn the hard way when we followed books that covered such topics as “tough love” and “co-dependency.” These books and ideas have hurt us (and our restoration) tremendously. We have seen the damage that these ideas have done to our marriages and to our families when we looked to them in our desperation. But as soon as we began to renew our mind with God’s Word, and meditated on it, we found the promise in Psalm 1 (that we would prosper in everything that we do) began to happen!! It says, “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”

Look to God and to those who are “like-minded” to encourage you to believe God for your restoration. Please go to the Counselor (God’s Word), which is free, and save your money and your relationship. God wants you to Himself! Stay away from the “professionals.” Every professional has his or her ways and beliefs. There are thousands of Christian and secular marriage/family counselors and books about the problems you’re facing. If they know all the answers, why is there an epidemic of divorces, teen pregnancies and suicide, even in the church?! Their failure rate is due to their foundation, which is primarily psychology, which is a religion in itself and was founded to destroy Christianity. (For more information, read the book The Seduction of Christianity by Dave Hunt.)

Where do you begin? What should you do? Begin to move your demolished house (your life) onto the rock. “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock” (Matt. 7:24–25). “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Prov. 14:1). “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Prov. 24:3–4). Rebuild your life on the Rock by reading A Wise Woman— go through it yourself or with a friend.

Praise God in all things. “Let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name” (Heb. 13:15). “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” (Phil. 4:4). Write down each and every good thing that happens and read them to encourage you each time things seem to be going in the wrong direction.

Take every thought captive. “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). Don’t think about the “what if” scenario. Instead, take that thought captive and cast it down, replacing it with good thoughts. And when you tell yourself that it couldn’t get any worse (which usually leads to you making a hasty or foolish decision), take time to think of how things could be worse. We all know of worse situations than our own, so be real with yourself and think of these so that you can be grateful that God has spared you heartaches that other mothers have had to face, like their son or daughter committing suicide or being murdered.

Never make decisions based on fear. “When I saw their fear, I rose and spoke to the nobles, the officials, and the rest of the people: ‘Do not be afraid of them; remember the Lord who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses’” (Neh. 4:14). “Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all . . . a woman who fears the Lord she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:29–30). God tells us to “‘Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one's youth when she is rejected,’ Says your God” (Isa. 54:4–6).

Begin to fight back by renewing your mind. Once you know the truth—what the Bible says instead of what everyone else tells you—then you can look down at your situation like God does, from above. Once again, learn the principles that God has set up for women. Get A Wise Woman and work through it with a friend. Get a “Bible Promise Book” from your local Christian bookstore (very inexpensive) and put it in your bathroom. Many women use this as their prayer closet when they have children or a husband in the home. It is a place of refuge and you can pore over His promises to you.

Get 3x5 cards and write down different Bible verses that you can use to renew your mind, to fight in the Spirit (the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God), or to run to when you experience an attack of fear, doubt, or lies, since the battle is in your mind, which affects your emotions. Keep these cards with you at all times and read them over and over again. Many women have written me about this suggestion, because it changes their lives and their situations as they believe for good things in God’s Word and His promises, over the destruction that they see and are experiencing.

Stop talking about your problems—instead be quiet and listen to God. Read His Word and feast on it. Believe Psalm 1 and take it as His promise to you: “His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” Practically speaking, if you read and reread this book to the point of wearing it out (since it is filled with Scripture) and take the time to make 3x5 cards with the Scriptures you need, you can’t help but meditate on His Word. Almost every woman I have met who has a restored relationship did both of these things.

No situation is too far gone! “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26). Again remember that it is not true that you and this other person, together, must want the relationship restored, or that you need to seek help to change the relationship. We have seen the good “fruits” of the women who have asked God to change their husbands’ hearts, their sons’ or daughters’ hearts—to work on and in them, and God was faithful to do just that when the woman had the faith to believe due to her renewed mind, spirit, and faith.

Stop looking at what the other person is doing. “And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3, Luke 6:41). We pray the same for you: that you will see clearly how to really help your husband, son, or daughter, mother or father, friend or employee—by being a godly woman with a gentle and quiet spirit who smiles at the future.

How long? Many women have asked me “how long” their situation will linger or “how long” their trial will continue. It may help you if you think about this crisis as a journey. How long it takes often depends on you. As the Lord shows you an area that He is working on, work with Him. Do not become sidetracked with everyday life. Satan will bring in “the cares of the world” in order to choke the Word out of you. He also will bring situations, emergencies, and other crises that will divert your attention away from your destination—your restoration and testimony!

Too often, our journey seems to have “stalled.” If this is where you are, just take the next step of obedience. When you become weary with the “wait,” do not lose heart. This is the time our Lord is using to enhance our faith while we focus our attention on His working in our lives. All that is required is our obedience, which will release spiritual power to work on our behalf. It is not necessary that God gives us a detailed explanation of what He is doing.

We know that He will work out His purposes through whatever happens even when we may have made a mistake. We must believe that He is working with people and situations and arranging circumstances for His good for us, and with those whom we love. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).

Personal commitment: to trust and obey God. “Based on what I have learned from God’s Word, I commit to trusting God and obeying what His Word says. I will not foolishly believe that I can lack faith and disobey what I know I should do, and then be surprised when what His promise says isn’t fulfilled.”