RYR 13 “No More Shame”

Chapter 13

No More Shame

 

“In that day you will feel no shame

Because of all your deeds

By which you have rebelled against Me;

For then I will remove from your midst

Your proud, exulting ones,

And you will never again be haughty.”

—Zephaniah 3:11

When I married in 1981 my former in-laws were not shy about making sure that I knew that I was not their choice for a wife for my ex-husband, and who was their choice (at least my mother-in-law’s choice). Throughout my marriage I was rejected, and then, I was finally free from needing their acceptance when the Lord showed me how to be healed.

For years, stupid long years, I wanted my husband to do something to make them like and accept me. Instead of helping, he added to my hurt and rejection by telling me that if I had been different or put out more effort, they would like me! Then, finally, I took it to the Lord.

That’s when the Lord showed me that it was not me, as my husband (at the time) kept telling me. He showed me that I was a peacemaker and had no enemies at all; however, on the other side of the coin, they never even got along with their own son. That’s when the Lord hit me with the truth: there I was, wanting their love and acceptance, when their own son had never had it from them! I had my parents, who loved me unconditionally, and all my siblings—he had no one.

Nevertheless, the Lord was still there to heal the hurts. He told me to write each of them (they were divorced) a very short letter each week. I did it for almost 2 years faithfully. I didn’t see much of a change in them, but after a while I noticed a huge change in me—I no longer hurt! I didn’t tell my husband (at the time), because for the first time I realized it wasn’t about his not helping me, or about them accepting me, it was about GOD healing me!

After more than 20 years, I was free from pain. Hallelujah!

Do to Others

Luke 6:31 says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” As I mentioned in the previous chapter, knowing how to allow healing in my relationship with my son and daughter-in-law was based on what God had allowed me to experience with my ex-mother-in-law.

When my husband finally left me (for his high school sweetheart and his mom’s choice for a wife), I chose to look at all the good in it, since “we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28). One very good thing was that I no longer had in-laws that didn’t like me! All of us like to be liked, and though there was no more hurt, I now     wouldn’t have to deal with any fresh wounds caused by rejection, which made it even better!. Then, something amazing happened!!

I got a letter from my ex-mother-in-law begging me to forgive her and telling me that I would “always be her daughter-in-law”! Talk about things turning around; however, I was really excited about my new life and letting my past go. I wanted to concentrate on my future, not to dig up the past.

When I responded, I wrote the letter saying that she hadn’t done anything that needed to be forgiven. That letter never made it to the mailbox. God convicted me that it wasn’t really true, and the right thing to do was to tell her that she was forgiven and just a tiny bit of what she had been forgiven for (since she asked me in her letter). However, I told her that I could no longer be her daughter-in-law since her son, my ex-husband, had remarried.

That’s when she geared up and was in hot pursuit! She simply would not let go. She continued to write, and write, and write. It was good for me to be on the other side of this scenario so that I could see first hand what it is like to be pursued when you want someone to let you go. I could see that she wasn’t interested in how I felt at all, but was only concerned with relieving her own conscience.

That’s the point isn’t it? Isn’t that why we won’t let go when we have hurt or offended someone, because WE want to feel better?

If we really cared, we would let someone go who wants to go. If it is our husband who wants to marry (or be with) someone else, who are we to stand in his way? Aren’t we just as selfish as we accuse him of being?

The same goes for a son or daughter: if they want to live their own life, aren’t we simply selfish and self-centered when we want them to stick around or come around for us?

And if it is a relationship that we are hoping for, by being demanding or pursuing, we have proven that it is not a caring relationship at all. A caring relationship is where both parties are happy to be with each other. When it is not pleasant for either party, it’s time for us (don’t look at them) to gain all we want and all we need for happiness from the Lord—who is the ultimate, perfect, and endless source of true joy.

Joy, unlike happiness, is constant. Happiness can change with the situation, but joy, true joy, remains and comforts us when the situation should be terribly painful.

If you are plagued with shame or guilt, all it takes is to seek the Lord more intimately today, especially when you feel rejected. It’s the best cure to rid you of the compulsion of always setting yourself up for rejection, by no longer being in hot pursuit of those who have rejected you, as you do to others as you want them to do to you!

Personal commitment: to trust God alone. “Based on what I have learned in this chapter, I commit my passion to pursuing the Lord rather than standing in the way of the person (or persons) who want to move on with their life (at least for now). I will, instead, do to them as I want others to do to me. And as a result, I believe I will find myself rid of pain and shame.”