Chapter 7
"You Make Me Brave"
“Lota, Lota can you hear me? …………..Yes Lord I hear You.” “Come, Come walk to me…………. But Lord, I don’t see you” “Follow me, here I am…………. It's dark Lord and I am scared.” “Lota, I have my hand stretched out for you………….. Ok, I am walking.’
“Lord, Lord can you hear me?..................... Yes, Lota, I hear you.” “It is getting hot and I can hear the raging fire, I don’t see you and I am terrified to go any further, please let me turn back………… Ana, My perfect LOVE will cast out all your fear.”
“Lord, If I keep going I will get burned…………….. Lota In the shelter of My presence, in the shadow of My wings, you are safe. Now come, hold my hand.”
“Lord I have Your hand,……………. Now trust in me Lota and keep your eyes on me, I will never let you go.
“Lord, You make me brave!”
Courage is to be willing to go through with something that is still difficult, scary, or unpleasant. God was not only giving me supernatural courage but His love that flowed in me was casting out all fear. I started walking through FIRE, some just a flame, others raging, but I felt peace and strength knowing that everything was in His hands.
It was a normal day and JR hopped in the car. We were about to head out to the store when in the back seat he starts crying uncontrollably. I quickly put the car back in park, took my seatbelt off, and rushed to the back seat. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I asked. Poor thing it was so hard for words to come out of his mouth, but finally, he said, “I am not going to see her and I don’t want her to be mad at me.” I thought, What is he talking about? So, I asked “who honey? Who is going to be mad at you?” Then he looked at me and said, “Ivette mom, Ivette.” My heart skipped a beat or can I say MANY!!! He then kept sharing, “We were supposed to go the fair together with Dad but look at the time mom, it's just not going to happen and she is going to think I did not want to go and I don’t want her to be mad at me.” He just kept crying. He was so upset. I don’t know the exact arrangements that were made and I didn’t ask. I just simply held my hurting son in my arms trying to comfort him as I wiped his tears from his little face. I said, “It's going to be ok, don’t worry there will be another opportunity for you to see Ivette and I am sure she will not be mad at you since it's not your fault, sometimes plans change.”
WHAT!!! was I saying??? I had just found out for the first time that my children not only knew of Ivonne but had interacted with her, so much so that my baby was in tears. One of my biggest fears had come and this one was different from the rest. This one I struggled to trust God. I mean, I am a mother. I am supposed to protect my children. I never wanted them to be exposed to any of this. Oh my Love, How could this happen? Why? I understand me, this being my walk but why did my children need to go through this? I was ready to climb any mountain but never did I want to drag my kids along.
“For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My (God’s) ways are higher than your ways and My (God’s) thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9 NLT
I dried Jr’s tears, put a smile on my face, and gave him a big hug. He calmed down and we continued our day with not another word spoken of that incident.
Weeks later Marco asks to speak to me, at a random moment. He says, “I want to let you know the kids have met Ivette and I was thinking of taking them to Disney World with her and her family.” I don’t know how I managed, but I calmly asked if we can speak of this at a later time and he agreed. This was a double blow. God made a way to get me out of that conversation quickly because He knew I was not ready for that at all.
I finally heard it from Marco. Not only did he bring the kids around Ivette but now he wanted to take a trip with her family. God knew I needed time alone with Him, He never gives us more than we can handle. Then it hit me, this was my process of letting go of my kids and trusting God. I got it, I did, but it hurt so bad. I prayed, “my Love this is my children, the children you gave me to protect and love. If you are asking me to surrender my children, promise me You will protect their heart and their future. I want them to know what it is to love and honor their future spouses and most important honor You. No matter what they see or experience, show them Your truth and way.”
I guess I had hoped for Jr’s incident to be an isolated case, but clearly, now I knew Marco was playing family with Ivette and again it pierced my heart.
Here I was asking God for His strength in what I was about to allow. I poured my heart to Him as I always do. I shared, “My Love, Marco and I had never taken the kids to Disney as a family and I really wanted to be the first to experience it with my children. I know I have to surrender and be willing to lose this opportunity and I have to be honest, I feel like I am being robbed of this.” I could say no more and I just started crying uncontrollably. After some time I felt His comfort and He softly asked me, “Do you trust me?” With the little voice I had left, I said, “I do.” He assured me through His word that He would protect my children and heal their hearts.
The next time the conversation came up we were sitting in a restaurant eating. It was just the two of us and he asked me what I thought of the idea he had mentioned earlier about Disney. Then my words just flowed, “Marco you are the father of my children and I trust you to make the best decision for them. You know we have never taken the kids to Disney together and as much as I would love to be the first one to experience it with them, if you want to take them, then do so.” I felt this burden be lifted from my shoulders as I had finally taken my children and placed them into the arms of God. Who better than Him right? Marco and I never spoke about it after and the trip never happened. I was so grateful but understood that either way God was in control.
To read Lota's complete Novel, go to:
RJN “Brave Through the Fire” Lota Joel
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